Where Should Our Elderly Parents Live?

by | Housing, Quality of Life

What’s the best fit for your parent or parents?

So many questions.

Kim & Mike Barnes, Parenting Aging Parents talk with Adrianna Iwasinski Holderman.

Adrianna sought help from Senior Living Selections when she was looking for the best place for her mother to live. She is now working with them to help others find the best living arrangement for their loved ones all over the country.

Read the full transcript

Transcript of Interview: “Where Should Our Elderly Parents Live?”

Mike Barnes: You know, it was about five years ago when we figured out with my mom’s Alzheimer’s getting a little bit worse and my dad taking care of her 24/7, taking her out for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner, that something had to change. So my sister and I worked it out and figured out talking to them about moving to independent living.

Kim Barnes: That’s right. With my mom, it was probably about three years ago that we had been mentioning it for a while because she lived alone. We thought, you know what, I think you’d really like to be able to have the interaction, especially since she was not able to drive anymore. That definitely made it so much more difficult to socialize as much. I knew she would actually enjoy it because she loves getting to play games. So I knew that getting her to go to an independent living facility would give her built-in people to do activities with. But it can be really tough in that process. Fortunately, both of our parents chose to do it on their own, which made it a little bit easier. We helped a little bit, but they weren’t pushed or fighting us completely.

Mike Barnes: We’ve got an old friend to help talk about this. It’s Adrianna Iwasinski Holderman. We married a long, long time ago, and she was an intern at KVUE when we were working there. Now she’s kind of gone through the same process because your mom has Alzheimer’s, and now you left the news business and are helping with seniors as well.

Adrianna Iwasinski Holderman: Absolutely. My mission in life has always been to help inform people and just help people. I did that in journalism for many years as both a general assignments reporter and an investigative reporter. That experience has really served me well now in this role. I transitioned based on a life experience—my mom getting diagnosed with Alzheimer’s dementia. My journey is more recent even than yours. My mom probably started forgetting things, and I blamed it on parent brain for a while. But once COVID hit and the isolation happened, my sister and I saw a steep decline in my mom. She was living independently, driving, and working part-time at JCPenney’s until COVID hit. Then, as she stayed home and was isolated, her dementia started taking a downward turn. We didn’t want to leave her home alone anymore, and she had steps in her condominium, so we had a lot of concerns. That took us on the road of researching what options were out there. We looked at home health care, assisted living, and I did it independently. Being an investigative reporter, I started Googling, researching, and asking questions. Thankfully, I found a great resource called Senior Living Selections, started by Andre Santamaria. It’s a free resource to families. We come alongside to help folks as they’re navigating all these choices. We help them get over the sticker shock and understand where some of the money goes and how it can be comparable with independent living. We also help find things that could assist your loved one financially, such as veterans’ benefits, especially if your loved one served during a time of war. If you’re a widow of a veteran, there are benefits out there to assist in that. The process of getting onto Medicaid can be lengthy, taking up to a year or more, and even once you get accepted, you may still need to hire an attorney, which can be expensive.

Mike Barnes: One of the hard things for people to understand is that sometimes you have to spend the money upfront to save later.

Adrianna Iwasinski Holderman: Yes, and that’s a very good point. For example, with Medicaid, different attorneys charge different costs, but it can range from $5,000 to $10,000 to get the paperwork submitted. The thought behind it is if your loved one ends up in skilled nursing, it can cost up to $8,000 to $10,000 a month out of pocket. Once you’re approved for Medicaid, skilled nursing care is covered 100%. You have to qualify for it, and there are definite criteria. Surprisingly, you can still own a house and a car and have some money in an account and still qualify for Medicaid. Senior Living Selections can help guide you through this journey because it’s overwhelming with so many options and terms.

Kim Barnes:I think the hardest part is that it’s just so overwhelming because there are so many options, so many terms that sometimes you don’t even know where to start.

Adrianna Iwasinski Holderman: Right. Well, the best place to start is talking with people who have had experience, like in this Facebook group. Everyone who’s been through this wants to share what they’ve experienced because they want to know if they’re doing the right thing and if there’s anything else they need to consider. We all want to help each other.

Kim Barnes: And if you feel like you’ve figured it out, you want to share that because there’s a lot of roads to get to that point. 

Mike Barnes:  Well, it  goes back to the navigation but that’s one of the hardest parts is that we all have different courses we’re taking because everyone’s situation is different.

Adrianna Iwasinski Holderman: Exactly. Everyone’s situation is different, and that’s the hardest part. Some people want to stay at home, some want to go somewhere, and it’s about having that communication. We have to be our parents’ parent sometimes, showing them the love and guidance they showed us when we were little. My mom’s short-term memory is so bad that she forgets things quickly, but her long-term memory is great. She still knows who I am and my sister, but she forgot my son’s name. It’s about savoring those moments and learning how to talk with your loved one. It’s not about being right; it’s about being kind.

Kim Barnes: And to wrap things up, it’s really about figuring out the right fit for your situation. There isn’t a complete checklist; it’s dependent on their circumstance, financial situation, and how you want to care for them. Finding community and people who can help is so important.

Adrianna Iwasinski Holderman: Absolutely. Community is key. Having people who have some knowledge inside is crucial. When I started navigating the world of finding a place for my mom, I got huge sticker shock. Assisted living facilities range in cost depending on the care level needed. Memory care is more expensive, and smaller homes with higher staff-to-resident ratios are more expensive. You need to consider budget, logistics, and what’s important to your loved one. It’s about educating yourself and knowing what to look for. For some families, home health care might be the better option, but it can be more expensive and less social. For others, assisted living might be the better option.

Mike Barnes: I love that you’ve taken your experience and now help people with these resources.

Adrianna Iwasinski Holderman: Yes, I get to advocate for other families the way I wanted someone to advocate for me. It’s a free resource to families. We’re specialized here on the west coast of Florida, but we help people everywhere. I’ve gotten calls from Orlando, Tampa, Miami, and even Great Britain. My sister and I compared Texas and Florida, and Florida was the better answer for us logistics-wise and price-wise. There’s more competition and better weather in Florida, making it a better option for many.

Mike Barnes: Thank you so much, Adrianna. I’m going to put your contact information in the description so people can reach out if they have questions.

Adrianna Iwasinski Holderman: Thank you so much. I think it’s important and vital to have resources like this Facebook group. It’s going to be a great resource for a lot of people.

Mike Barnes: Thank you, Adrianna. After talking to you, I feel like writing a Parenting Aging Parents for Dummies just won’t work because everyone’s situation is different. We have to be patient, knowledgeable, and research what’s best for our situation and parents. 

Kim Barnes: Use the community to see what other experiences have been because we can learn from that, even though we still have to make the best decisions for our situation and parents. If you have other topics you’d like us to cover, be sure to let us know. We’ll see you inside the group.

*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.

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