How they navigate senior challenges.
What types of problems are your aging parents going through?
John Barnes is 85 years old and has recently had to tackle cataract surgery, hearing aids, a pacemaker, and going to a support group after his wife went to memory.
John’s son is Mike Barnes, a co-founder of Parenting Aging Parents. Mike talks to his Dad about what he’s had to battle through and how communication and support are important for both sides.
Read the full transcript
Transcript of Interview: “What are our aging parents going through?”
Mike Barnes:
You know, we talk all the time about all the things that our parents go through. What better expert to talk to than my dad. How are you?
John Barnes:
I’m doing great. How are you doing?
Mike Barnes:
Good. We’re going to talk about all the maladies you’ve been through lately. I want to start with this week. Today we’re recording this on a Friday. On Monday of this week, you had cataract surgery.
John Barnes:
Yes, I certainly did.
Mike Barnes:
How did that go?
John Barnes:
It was super. Everything’s so bright out of that eye. It’s unbelievable.
Mike Barnes:
It’s your left eye, and it still looks like they didn’t change anything.
John Barnes:
No, they didn’t change anything. Next month, I’ll get my right eye done.
Mike Barnes:
For those of us who are children of people like you, what do we need to know about something like that? If our parents or the doctor say cataract surgery is needed, how scared should we be? How helpful should we be? What type of attitude do we need to have as kids?
John Barnes:
Just a supportive attitude is all you need. The surgery is nothing. It takes 45 minutes. The worst part is the preparation, where they put drops in your eye, and a couple of them burn for two or three seconds. But other than that, it’s a piece of cake.
Mike Barnes:
The hardest part for him was that we didn’t let him drive for a day.
John Barnes:
Yeah, I hated that. We took the keys.
Mike Barnes:
You hated that.
John Barnes:
I couldn’t have driven anyway, to be honest.
Mike Barnes:
But you would have tried. Knowing you, you probably would have.
John Barnes:
I would have moved the car around the parking lot or something. I would have probably tried.
Mike Barnes:
Probably a better way. Okay, that’s your eyes. You have hearing aids now.
John Barnes:
I just got them within the last couple of months.
Mike Barnes:
That’s right. You were not exactly a proponent of that.
John Barnes:
No, I wasn’t. My sister, your daughter, said that you need to have your ears checked.
Mike Barnes:
That’s right. And I think my mom probably said that 50 years ago, that you needed to do it.
John Barnes:
That’s right.
Mike Barnes:
Tell us about that process.
John Barnes:
I went to Collier to get my ears checked, and I immediately failed the test. They put me through all sorts of hearing tests, but I failed. After I’d been in that little booth for one minute, they knew I’d failed. They suggested I get some hearing aids and gave me a price range from $800 to $3,000. I took the middle range, about $2,000 for the hearing aids, and I’ve been very satisfied.
Mike Barnes:
You can tell the difference?
John Barnes:
Oh yes, especially when watching TV or talking on the phone. When I take them out at night, I can’t hear, so I have to turn the TV up to hear.
Mike Barnes:
What about when you go to dinner? You live in independent living, so it’s a cafeteria type of style. Having the hearing aid, does it help you hear the conversations better?
John Barnes:
Oh yes, I can hear two or three tables over.
Mike Barnes:
For those of us who are kids, if someone says we have parents in our 80s, like you’re 85, and a doctor says they need a hearing aid, we might think they hear us fine. What type of attitude should we take?
John Barnes:
Just be supportive. That’s the most important thing. If it’s someone like me who is resistant to it, encourage them to take the test. No decision, just take the test. I could have walked out and said, “I’m not going to do that,” but I realized after taking the test that I needed help.
Mike Barnes:
Which brings us to our third part of the story. Almost two years ago, you were moving a little slow and didn’t like how you were feeling. I thought it was because you were a little depressed since Mom had been in memory care for a few months, and you were by yourself. You said you needed to go to the doctor, and my sister took you. We found out you needed a pacemaker.
John Barnes:
Yes, my heartbeat was very low, and the doctor said I needed a pacemaker immediately.
Mike Barnes:
Is that a great example of where we, the kids, have to trust you and the way you say you feel?
John Barnes:
Yes, you do. You know your body better than anybody. I felt different, and immediately after the surgery, my heartbeat went from 38-40 to 75-80. It felt very good.
Mike Barnes:
Again, I think a lot of it goes back to communication. You and I talk a lot and have a good relationship, but some people don’t. It has to be where you talk to your parent about how they’re feeling and have things checked out if there’s a question.
John Barnes:
Yes, because we might have lost you if you hadn’t gone to the doctor and had it looked at.
Mike Barnes:
That was on your birthday.
John Barnes:
Yes, it was on my birthday. The hospital didn’t do the procedure, and they were going to send me somewhere else. You called and told me to stay there, but I told my daughter to get me out of there. I came home, and the next morning, we went to Clements Hospital in Dallas, and it was great.
Mike Barnes:
Which leads us to our next thing. I love you to death, but you’re selfish and stubborn sometimes.
John Barnes:
Yes, a little bit.
Mike Barnes:
After we moved Mom to memory care 27 months ago, I looked into you going to a support group. During COVID, all I could find was on Zoom. The first one you did was on Zoom, and you couldn’t figure out the camera. Now, it’s a live support group, and you’re thankful you go.
John Barnes:
Yes, I enjoy it so much because I have more to be thankful for. The decision we made with Mom was the right one.
Mike Barnes:
A lot of people are like you were originally, saying they don’t need a support group. But listening to friends or family and keeping your mind open helps.
John Barnes:
Yes, you don’t realize until you’re in there that you don’t have the problem; others do. They don’t take their loved ones to a place that takes care of them. We were fortunate to be able to do that.
Mike Barnes:
Any other advice for anyone watching, whether an adult child or an aging parent, about how to make things better for themselves and their family?
John Barnes:
Just listen and be guided by what your children tell you. They have more wisdom because they’re in the younger generation.
Mike Barnes:
Wisdom about some things, not others.
John Barnes:
Yes, but I’m still hard-headed.
Mike Barnes:
We know that.
John Barnes:
My daughter says I have to put up with you more than Mike.
Mike Barnes:
Yes, she lives here, and I live three hours away.
Today’s Friday, and Sunday is Father’s Day. Happy Father’s Day.
John Barnes:
Thank you.
Mike Barnes
I love you, Dad.
John Barnes:
I love you too. I have two of the best kids in the world.
Mike Barnes:
If you have any other topics you’d like us to discuss, let us know. Parenting Aging Parents.
*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.
