Moving from an aging parents perspective

Transcript of Interview: “Moving from an aging parents perspective”

Mike Barnes: Okay, Dad, I know a lot of people out here know about you because they look at you on all the posts that we do on Parenting Aging Parents, but I’d like to introduce you to everybody so you can say hi to them.

John Barnes: How are you doing?

Mike Barnes: I want to talk about some of the different things that we’ve gone through over the last few years, I guess, because it was about six years ago or so that my sister Diane and I came to you and said that because of Mom and her Alzheimer’s, and the fact that you’re taking her out to eat for lunch, well, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day.

John Barnes: Yes, that’s right because she wasn’t cooking anymore because of her memory and stuff.

Mike Barnes: Right, that it was wearing on her, it was really wearing on you. And we said, let’s try to find an independent living place to live, kind of like a dorm, because you have your own apartment, but then you go downstairs for three meals a day. I think you were a little reluctant at first.

John Barnes: Very, yeah, very much.

Mike Barnes: How come?

John Barnes: I just didn’t, well, that wasn’t my cup of tea, and I just didn’t want to do it. I was thinking that would be an old folks’ home, and it’s really not. I hadn’t looked at any independent living facilities, uh, forever. I mean, the only thing I’d ever been in was a nursing facility, so I was opposed to it because of that.

Mike Barnes: Did you picture it like my granddad, your dad, was in a nursing home? Did you picture that type of facility?

John Barnes: Yeah, I did before we went and looked, before Diane took us around. But it’s nothing like that; it’s really truly independent living.

Mike Barnes: I know the sticker price scared you a little bit because it wasn’t cheap.

John Barnes: No, oh no, it wasn’t cheap at all.

Mike Barnes: But I remember y’all moved in around September, right, of that year five years ago, and by the time Thanksgiving rolled around, you were like, “Oh my gosh, son, this is the best thing we’ve done.”

John Barnes: Yeah, it is.

Mike Barnes: What changed your mind about it? What, after being there and seeing, even before Mom really had the problems, the two of us, we had a place to go and people provide food for us. And they had a bunch of activities there, and Mom at that time loved bingo, and we would go play bingo, I think, three times a week. So it worked out very good.

John Barnes: Yeah, very good.

Mike Barnes: The social interaction was really good, especially for Mom, because Mom wasn’t getting anything, no offense, but other than you. When y’all, because they lived an hour outside of Dallas in East Texas, so being out on, we called it the farm, but out in the middle of nowhere, there was no social interaction for her. And when you have Alzheimer’s or anything like that, the social interaction is so important.

John Barnes: Oh yes, it certainly is. We started out living there that we stayed there four nights and then we went home for three nights. Then that changed over the years; it went down to five nights that we’d stay in the independent living and then two nights at our home, and then it went to one night that we’d stay in our home, and then it went to zero because she didn’t have any interest in that. We’d take our wash down, do our wash and come back. We still did some banking and we still had our post office box down there.

Mike Barnes: But she also got a little confused because of where she was, so it helped her being in the same place seven nights a week.

John Barnes: That’s right.

Mike Barnes: And then as things were getting worse for Mom, again, my sister and I came to you and said it’s time to sell the place.

John Barnes: That’s right.

Mike Barnes: And again, you were a little reluctant at first.

John Barnes: Yeah, right, I was.

Mike Barnes: I think a lot of people who are in our group, who are in our community, get in the same boat because it’s hard letting go of the fact that I don’t own anything anymore.

John Barnes: Right, that’s true.

Mike Barnes: Why did that bother you?

John Barnes: Well, it just did knowing that I was basically, I had nothing left. I mean, I was living in an apartment, but I had nothing as far as a home. But that all changed after it all happened, and I could see I couldn’t keep up the farm anymore, and Mom really got where she didn’t like it down there. So it just worked for the best, and then when we decided to do that, it was great.

Mike Barnes: It’s one of those things, it’s kind of like moving into independent living, but it’s such a big step. But once you take it, you realize it’s…

John Barnes: Oh yeah, sometimes.

Mike Barnes: That’s true.

John Barnes: Then you’ve got control. You don’t have any outside real estate, so you got control over all your investments in one place, and it’s just a lot better.

Mike Barnes: Really. And then this past year, we moved Mom into memory care, which I know was so, so, so tough on you too.

John Barnes: It was tough. It was tough.

Mike Barnes: But as you’ve… because you let my sister and me do a lot of the leg work early on where we looked at the places. You didn’t really.

John Barnes: No, I didn’t look at anything. I didn’t see any of the places.

Mike Barnes: So after we moved Mom in, just take Mom out of the equation, but just seeing the place and seeing how nurturing it can be where some people are taking care of Mom or, you know, whether you have Alzheimer’s or anything else, how good it can be for someone in that type of situation.

John Barnes: Sure is. They do a bang-up job keeping her clean and fed. It’s night and day. I worried about that more than anything, putting her away from me in some place where they weren’t keeping up with her. But I was wrong. They do, they keep up with them, and they do a great job.

Mike Barnes: I know we have a lot of people in the group whose parents have to live with their children or whose parents have some trouble because they don’t want to give up their house. They want to stay at home. Do you have any advice for, whether it’s for the parents or for the adult children like me, to tell them that it’s not as bad as you may think? It’s not as scary as you may think.

John Barnes: No, it’s not, and they ought to do it because I’m in a support group in Rockwall with Alzheimer’s, and most of the people are trying to take care of their loved ones in their house. That’s a 24/7 job, and it takes them down. It really does. You can tell by their voice when they explain what they’re doing. Luckily, with Mike and Diane, they got me to go to memory care for Mom, and it just works out great. I can’t tell you how much it does; it’s just a real plus.

Mike Barnes: Well, the best thing for us is it’s going to keep you around longer.

John Barnes: Yeah, well, that’s true.

Mike Barnes: One of the biggest things we were worried about because, yes, you worry about Mom with Alzheimer’s or somebody else with any other condition as you grow older, but it’s not necessarily the person who is ill, it’s the person who’s trying to give them the care. And that was really dragging you down, and that’s what we were worried about.

John Barnes: That’s right. I didn’t realize the last year how much she depended on me all the time for care. And we were, like I said, we were in independent living. Anyway, it’s much better with somebody that has major memory problems like Mom does that she is in her own place. I wanted to go see her every day, and the doctor said no, you don’t need to do that. So anyway, I’m down to two days a week.

Mike Barnes: You’re on a good schedule though right now.

John Barnes: Yeah.

Mike Barnes: And it could change with her condition; you never know what can happen. That’s the best thing is that it’s so open, you can do practically whatever you want.

John Barnes: That’s true.

Mike Barnes: Which is really good even with COVID, it’s made it…

John Barnes: Oh yes.

Mike Barnes: Oh yeah. They watch over her, and that’s the main thing I look for is how she’s dressed and how she looks when I go see her. They do a great job.

John Barnes: Yeah.

Mike Barnes: We’re so glad, we’re proud of you, and I know a lot of people in the group keep track of you, so they’re going to keep track of you more and maybe get in touch with you. But thanks for visiting with everybody.

John Barnes: Okay, great. I enjoyed it very much.

Mike Barnes: Thanks.

*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.