Resolving Conflict

Transcript of Interview: “Resolving Conflict”

Mike Barnes:

You know, it seems like when we’re younger, we have all types of conflicts and can’t get along. But as we get older and our parents get older, it almost kind of gets worse in so many ways. 

Kim Barnes:

It can be so challenging because there are family dynamics involved, personalities, etc. Sometimes you need a little help to figure out how to resolve that conflict. We decided to talk to an expert.

We have Bruce Kravitz; he is technically a professional mediator, but you like to call yourself a peacemaker.

Bruce Kravitz:

Yes, I’d like to use the term peacemaker because it puts a lot more people at ease. Frankly, I’m an idealist, and that’s what I do: help resolve conflicts and bring peace to people’s lives.

Kim Barnes:

You know, when we are working with our siblings, trying to figure out the best care for our parents, or maybe our parents don’t agree with some of the things we think they should do, what are the most common situations that you find?

Bruce Kravitz:

Well, it often has to do with issues relating to the care, well-being, or property of a senior. You can have siblings, adult siblings, arguing about what’s the best care for Mom and Dad. You can have the siblings arguing with the elder about what’s appropriate and what’s safe. Everybody’s worried about money. You can also have families in arguments with other kinds of providers like doctors or facilities where the senior lives. There are all sorts of conflicts related to life and aging.

Mike Barnes:

Conflicts seem like one of the biggest that we see in our group. An older mom or dad, or maybe both, say, “I don’t want to get out of my house. I don’t want to leave this house. I’m not going into independent living or assisted living or any other place.” There’s conflict, and nobody’s happy.

Bruce Kravitz:

Absolutely. Mom or Dad states their position: “I want to die in my house. I want my independence. I want to keep on living the way I’ve always lived. There’s no reason for you to try to make it different.” Then the adult kids are concerned about Mom or Dad’s safety. Maybe they’re concerned about the cost if caregivers are being brought in. People all have valid concerns; they’re just coming at it from different positions.

Kim Barnes:

So where do you start with that?

Bruce Kravitz:

You’d ask Mom, “What’s really important to you? Describe your life that is perfect.” Get them away from just saying, “I want to be in my home.” What is it about living in your home that you really like? They might say, “I can sleep as late as I want, I have my own room, I can have my pets, I can have friends over.” They may not state it, but they might mean things like, “I don’t want to move right now; change is a big deal.” The adult kids can say, “I understand that, but I’m concerned about your safety because you’re there all alone. I’m concerned about you not having socialization, not having people around you or things to do. Maybe I’m concerned about the cost and upkeep of the house.” These are all valid things. As the mediator or neutral third party, or even as one of the people involved, try to figure out ways that might satisfy a little bit of everybody’s needs. Don’t go for a home run if you don’t have to. It could be, “How about if we bring some help in a few days a week to help you? How about if we get some volunteers to call you? How about if we figure out a way to get you involved in some activities outside of the house and you can still live in the house for a while?” It might be a phased approach rather than a crisis where we have to do something now.

Mike Barnes:

You know, there’s a reason why we call our group Parenting Aging Parents. We feel like we’re parenting them, but oftentimes we act like we’re parenting our five-year-old, seven-year-old, or ten-year-old, telling them what to do. “No, that’s the way it has to be. You only do it that way. I’m the parent, you’re going to do it that way.” But sometimes we tend to do that with Mom or Dad, like, “No, you have to do this,” and they rebel. They don’t like that. It’s almost a mindset that we have to get into as the adult children and treat our parents with more respect, treat them in a certain way, and not force them.

Bruce Kravitz:

Absolutely. Every human being, regardless of their age, is deliciously unique. They’ve got their own upbringing, experiences, values, and beliefs. Whether you’re an adult child or a third party, it’s not respectful to demand that someone does something different. You may have the legal authority or economic power, but nobody, whether they’re an elderly parent or a sibling, wants to be treated disrespectfully. The more you listen and understand, then restate what you think are the key things to them and make sure they feel heard, people loosen up a little bit. Especially if there’s a little bit of to and fro, a little bit of, “You know, I never understood how important it was to you that you had your own room and could lock the door.” If one person starts to agree, another person will then agree reciprocally.

Kim Barnes:

Well, and I think another issue we hear a lot about is the siblings, especially when it comes to the care of the parents. Should they stay in their homes? Should they move to independent living? It becomes easier if you have siblings that all get along and are in agreement. Unfortunately, we have both been in that situation, so we’ve been very fortunate. When you’re all on the same page, it makes helping your parents a lot easier. But how do you handle it when the siblings disagree? They’re still your siblings at the end of the day. When one decides, “Okay, well, I’m out because I don’t like what you’re doing,” it creates a lot of challenges and long-term effects.

Bruce Kravitz:

You’re absolutely right, Kim. When there’s a conflict in a relationship like business or consumer, you resolve it, go your way, and never see each other again. But when it’s a conflict related to a family relationship or long-term friendship, those relationships have a lot of history and baggage. It makes it more difficult to proactively move forward and find ways that work for everyone. You can get into the psychology and background of family relationships. Some people focus on finances; they don’t want Mom to run out of money. Others prioritize Mom’s quality of life, socialization, and healthcare. Some family members have always been absent, while others might be the oldest child or overachiever wanting to take control. All these longstanding family dynamics and histories come out during a conflict. Whether you’re the peacemaker or part of the conflict, try to figure out everyone’s role and find solutions that make each family member feel heard, appreciated, and thanked. Everyone should feel like they’re contributing, valued, and heard. There’s no room for “my way or the highway.” That approach is very disruptive and doesn’t help. Some people use their power to get their way, leaving a wake of unhappiness and destruction, while others set aside their needs to allow others to get what they want. There are all the extremes and variations in the middle.

Kim Barnes:

I wonder, too, does it often involve the out-of-town sibling or child? Is it the one who maybe feels their feelings are hurt because they weren’t asked for input? I feel like that’s where some of the challenges come. Sometimes it might not even be the issue of where the parents should live. It might be because they weren’t asked for their opinion, so now their feelings are hurt. If it’s the child who’s not around the parent as much, they don’t necessarily see the decline or challenges like the child who lives out of town.

Bruce Kravitz:

Absolutely right. The sibling who lives far away isn’t involved in the day-to-day and doesn’t see the decline. They feel left out. They come for a visit, don’t understand the complete situation, and start doing things without consulting the other siblings or even the parent. For example, my mom is in town at a facility. I visit her often, and we’re on the phone a lot. My brother and I get along great, and he visits once a month. He took her out shopping and bought her a coffee maker for her room. My mom kept wanting a coffee maker, but I knew it wasn’t a good idea because she spills it, leaves it on, makes a mess, and there’s coffee in the facility. It was a reason for her not to get out of her room. My brother didn’t know that. My mother, being smart, got a coffee maker. My brother was proud, but it wasn’t long before she spilled coffee all over herself and her room. The facility called me, saying it wasn’t safe. Bless his heart, my brother tried his best, but it didn’t work out. I wasn’t mad at him. I just said, “You didn’t know. We’ll take away the coffee maker.”

Mike Barnes:

Do we need to plan a family meeting? Where do we start to make sure we’re all on the same page, so situations like that don’t happen?

Bruce Kravitz:

Every family has different dynamics, so each situation will be different. You might consider mediation, hiring an attorney, or even legal action. But the first thing you should do is talk.

Plan if you can. Communicate, talk about all the issues, ask others what issues they need covered. Keep it going with monthly meetings or conference calls. There are internet-based tools for these things. The key is communication with no secrets. Share as much as is useful.

Mike Barnes:

What do you do when you’ve hit an impasse? You’ve talked it out, but there’s no resolution. Everyone’s digging their heels in, including the parent. How do you move forward?

Bruce Kravitz:

If the family members can’t resolve the conflict, it’s hard because you’re part of the conflict. Sometimes you can turn to a trusted family friend, clergyman, or doctor. Someone who understands conflict resolution and the interests of the people. If that doesn’t work, hire a mediator or peacemaker. Unfortunately, many people turn to the legal system, which is divisive and expensive. Try reaching out to good peacemakers who might be seen as neutral. Someone trained in conflict resolution has an advantage because they know none of the parties. Bringing in a family friend or clergy always carries history and bias.

Mike Barnes:

You have to remember the word compromise because if you win 100%, chances are it will damage the relationship with the sibling or parent.

Bruce Kravitz:

Absolutely.

Kim Barnes:

Can’t we all just get along?

Bruce Kravitz:

It sounds simple, right? But remember the word compromise. The first step is talking through it and seeking to understand why they feel so strongly about their position. It may not be exactly the reasons you think.

Mike Barnes:

See the other person’s point of view.

Bruce Kravitz:

Absolutely. When we talk about having conversations, the key is getting everyone to take turns to listen and restate what they heard to ensure they got it right.

Kim Barnes:

That’s a key point because often what we hear due to emotions is not what they actually said or intended.

Bruce Kravitz:

Absolutely. A lot of times in mediation, the first 30 minutes or hour is just everyone getting things off their chest. Nobody listens; they all talk. Once everyone’s been heard, the mediator restates the problem, and people start working together. You use a little humor, hope, and compassion. Every family is different.

Mike Barnes:

Great tips, Bruce Kravitz. Thank you so much for joining us today.

Bruce Kravitz:

Thank you very much.

Kim Barnes:

This is a topic we could talk a lot about. While it sounds simple to have conversations, many of us who are conflict-averse would rather not. It shows the importance of starting those conversations and making people feel heard. So, communicate but especially listen.

Mike Barnes:

We’re listening to you. If you have any topics you’d like us to discuss with an expert, let us know at Parenting Aging Parents.

*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.