How to Pre-Plan Funeral Arrangements

Transcript of Interview: “How to Pre-Plan Funeral Arrangements”

Kim Barnes: When you think of what will happen when your parent passes, a lot of times, it’s really hard to think about, of course. And we just sort of assume that our parents have taken care of it.

Mike Barnes: And sometimes they have some, but not everything. 

Kim Barnes: And today we are inviting Laurie Fryer from Dignity Memorial to come to speak with us today. Thanks so much, Laurie.

Laurie Fryer: Thank you for having me.

Kim Barnes: Well, and, you know, and exactly what Mike said, I just kind of learned the hard way because it’s in advance, so that’s really good. But, you know, Laurie, you were able to help me figure out that. I knew that my mom had some things taken care of, but you were able to realize that she has the place where she’s going to rest, but not any way to get there. I mean, which sounds sort of strange, but just. She had some parts planned out, but not all of it.

Laurie Fryer:  Correct, correct. And it was my honor helping you navigate through these, because these are not easy conversations that we have with our parents. And so just asking broad questions to them about maybe what they did for their parents and, you know, and creating the link. So it helps you. You don’t want to be a detective when your parents or health is failing or they passed away. There is an easier way.

Kim Barnes: Well, and I think so much of what we have talked to in our discussions with, trying to help with my mom’s situation is just really just trying to take out that guesswork of what would she want and what should we do. And because I imagine if you wait to that day, it’s so overwhelming. There’s so many options. And how do you even start? 

Laurie Fryer: Well, I suggest to my families and clients that you start that casual conversation with them, asking them what their wishes are. Have they written it down anywhere? Have they actually gone into a location, a funeral home, and spoke to a professional consultant about, you know, what their next steps needs to be? And then, if so, where’s their documentation, where’s their paperwork so you don’t have to hunt for this information when you really should be spending more time with your family.

Mike Barnes: Yeah. Cause it’s such a hard time to make a decision. And plus, different people have different ideas or opinions about what should happen. Different siblings may think, oh, I wanna do this. Oh, no, I think mom should do this or dad should do that. And you want to be on the same page.

Laurie Fryer: That’s absolutely correct. In my years of sitting with families in the arrangement room with a funeral director, it’s such a different vibe. You know, Mike and Kim, when people know what they want, that feels good. You know, and then when you know what they want, it gives you confidence in your decision making. So taking out the guesswork and knowing what they wanted and did you do the right thing? Those two questions can really sit with somebody for the rest of their life, and then you want to maintain that relationship with your siblings, because tensions are high, emotions are high, trigger points are there, and you would like to see that you have an amicable resolution to what your parents wishes are in your own.

Kim Barnes: So let’s talk a little bit about. There are a lot of decisions, so give us just a sense of. Because I think that was something that was surprising to me. And to your point about having all the paperwork. You know, I had a business card of the cemetery where I knew that she wanted to be and a name, and that was sort of it. And so even with your help, you had to do a little. It required a little digging to find that out. But I. So I think that, you know, while I thought we had some things taken care of, what are all the pieces that we need to be thinking about that need to be taken care of? 

Laurie Fryer:  Well, my first recommendation is do a file review. So if your parents say that they have something in place, congratulate them and thank them for that. But then, second, go like you did. Do you have the contact name of the person or place? And then why don’t we schedule something with them, and let’s just do a simple file review. Just make sure that everything’s been taken care of. So those are the first steps I would recommend. And then when doing so, then you might discover that they’ve taken care of what I call the a or b side. And then from there, you know, what your next moves or next steps need to be. 

Kim Barnes: Let’s talk about what’s the a and b side?

Laurie Fryer: Yeah, it’s a great idea. I was going to leave you with that. So the a side, how I categorize it, is everything that happens indoors, such as the actual funeral event, but even before that, when somebody passes, you have to make the arrangements for their body to be taken into the care of a funeral home. And so that is all encompassed in the a side. So if you think about, you know, everything that will happen and transpire in the moments leading up to somebody passing, and then once we have your loved one in our care, then you meet with the funeral director. You review all the selections or the few selections that they may have made, and then the b side is different. You know, the a side’s gonna be that our care team taking you know, organizing dates and times and stuff of the event, which could be the funeral, and then the b side is the disposition. What then do you do, what do you do with your loved one’s body for internment? Whether it’s in a memorial park funeral home, pardon me? Whether it’s in the cemetery memorial park, or if it’s a niche for ashes, or do they want their ashes scattered somewhere? And that’s totally two separate contracts, if you will, and two separate modes to get their wishes honored. I think most times people think they have the b side taken care of, the cemetery side taken care of, or the niche, or I want my ashes scattered here. And then they put no thought to the a side. They think that just happens automatically and it’s not automatic. There’s a lot of moving parts behind the scenes that if you have that taken care of in advance, it literally simplifies it down to one phone call. 

Mike Barnes: Yeah. What do you do if you talk to your parent and they just don’t want to talk about part of it, whether it’s the a side or the b side? Dad, do you have any idea who you want for pallbearers? Oh, I don’t know. Or something like that. What do you do then? How do you handle it beforehand?

Kim Barnes: Especially if they just say, oh, you can decide. 

Laurie Fryer: And again, you want to kid gloves, you want to thank them, say, well, I appreciate you trusting me with this, but I also respect you, and I want to know if any of these things are important to you. And if not, then, and you want me to make all the decisions I can. So you want to reassure them that it’s going to be okay. And if they don’t want to talk about it, then that’s okay too. And you can thank them for trusting you. You don’t want to cause the conflict, then they may relax. Then they may think about it and come back to you later going, you know what, it would be nice if, you know, we sat and talked about some of this. 

Mike Barnes: Is there a proverbial checklist that people who watch this video can find to know, okay, what do I need to talk to mom and dad about? What decisions do we need to make?

Laurie Fryer: I furnish my clients with a personal planning guide. So this personal planning guide is also like a personal planning journal. So even if you may not want to have your services in the funeral home itself, or you may want to have it at a church, or you just want your family members to gather for dinner, this personal planning journal guide helps facilitate that. So that’s, you know, you can go to our website, and it can be downloaded from the website as well. And then you can make arrangements to talk to a licensed pre-planning advisor. And that’s my biggest takeaway here, is talk to somebody that knows that this is what they do. This is what their area of expertise is, and rely on that. And so that’s what I would recommend is start there. Start with a personal planning guide. And it is the checklist that you’re asking about. 

Kim Barnes: There’s just so many things from, if you’re talking about the service, which is what music? I mean, do they care what music, what flowers, who speaks? You know, all of those decisions. I think it can get down to that granular as well as where do you actually want to be and where do you want to be cremated or do you not? And I think those are really tough decisions. And we talked a little bit already about, you know, the confusion or the stress that that might put on the children if those decisions haven’t been made ahead of time you’re trying to make those decisions in a sad, emotional time and on the fly. There’s a piece of this, too, though. I think it’s worth mentioning.

Laurie Fryer: Yes. And that’s what I say. Is it like with my mom? I’ll give that an example, because it’s a personal one and it’s close. I had my mom write her wishes in our personal planning journal. So this is in her beautiful handwriting. And so we’ll have that. Something tangible that we can hang on to. But then me and my brothers, we can look at this and like, hey, this is what mom wants. We might even find out some things that are surprising to us that we would have may have overlooked, because we’re tired, we’re sleep deprived. We’re having to make these decisions at the last minute because if it’s unexpected or, you know, what have you, but when you take the time in advance, just like planning for anything, and you write it down, you’re more focused. And then, you know, you can check it off the list, knowing, okay, we took care of this for them. We took care of that for them. And so it’s simple as what you said earlier. Kim, what’s your favorite flower? You know, if you don’t want flowers, that’s fine, too. What would you like people maybe to make a contribution to instead? And so they can make donations to different organizations, which is, you know, it’s great. So, you know, you can think outside the box when you do think ahead. 

Kim Barnes: And when you do, when you are, one of the advantages of pre-planning all of this, besides just knowing all their wishes, is that you can get this paid for in advance, too, which makes it, which can be a huge relief as well.

Laurie Fryer: Yeah. Well, that is, that is big people sometimes, you know, they have the, the money set aside, if you will, for this, whether it be in a checking account, banking account, what have you, or even in a life insurance policy, but not all the time are those funds readily available. When somebody passes, their assets can be frozen, so it could be weeks to months before they have access to their funds. And in life insurance, it’s the same thing. It’s like filing a claim. And so they have to get all the proper documentation. But when you meet with a funeral home or funeral director, which is needed and required within hours to days after somebody passes, they’re going to be asking for payment right there. So there’s a lot of advantages, but that’s, to me, the biggest one is having the funds readily available or it’s already been paid for. And there is a savings behind that, too, because, you know, if you do it, you know, now when you say your, your parents may be in their sixties, seventies, what have you, and then they live to be in their nineties, what a savings. That is who, you know, you stop inflation, so you take care of it years ahead of time.

Kim Barnes: But I think the bottom line is that the biggest difference is that there’s potentially one phone call to make and then the process just starts having to make all these decisions and even think about, well, who do I call? I don’t know. You know, do you call 911? Do you call? I mean, just all of those things I think are really, I mean, how would you know? 

Laurie Fryer: And when you, and when you meet and talk to somebody in this profession, they can walk you through those steps, you know, because depending on where a person passes is going to depend on who you contact first.

Kim Barnes: Anything else we’ve missed? I know, I know. Well, I know there’s a lot we’ve missed, but anything else, any, any final thoughts?

Laurie Fryer: Um, you know, this is the biggest gift that you will ever give each other and to your children, uh, and that your parents can give to you. So I, you know, it took me a while to really understand that gift and, and how important it is, and it truly is. It is one of the biggest gifts you can ever give each other in your family to get this planned ahead.

Mike Barnes: Yeah. Great information. Thanks so much, Laurie. We appreciate it.

Laurie Fryer: Oh, you’re so welcome.

Kim Barnes: Really tough conversations to have, for sure. But obviously the importance and how things can go so much more smoothly in a really tough time.

Mike Barnes: It all goes down to communication in a lot of ways, whether it’s communication between us, talking to mom, talking to dad, talking to your kids, you just got to communicate and plan ahead.

*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.