Helping Your Parents Plan for Their Future

Speaker: It was about five years ago my mom’s Alzheimer’s started to get worse, and my dad was taking care of her 24/7, and my sister and I realized it may be time for them to move. We kind of got ahead of the game and helped them figure that out. But it’s not that easy for some people, and a lot of times it’s not until that crisis that we start taking action as the child. So, I’m excited to introduce you to Lina Zapata. She has a company called Mere Care Consultants, and Lina, thanks so much for being with us today and sharing your expertise.

Lina Zapata: You’re welcome. I feel like so many people, and I’ve kind of been in that situation too, it’s not until you realize or like Mike’s situation, we realized, “Oh, we need to do something,” but we’re not really sure, and we haven’t had those conversations with our parents. You don’t want to wait until they’re in a position really not to be able to help you make those decisions, right?

Speaker: Yes, yes, absolutely. I think that many of the clients that I have calling in today are based on not having a conversation and really just kind of getting thrown into the whirlwind of caregiving. I think the pandemic was quite evident where many adult kids who don’t live near their parents were thrown into this caregiving situation, and then even more difficult was that they couldn’t access their parents because travel was limited at that time. So, where do you start?

Lina Zapata: Well, you know, having the conversation with your elder parents, it becomes more of like a role reversal. You’re trying to fill in the big picture of what is going on with your parents. You kind of probably start seeing signs and symptoms, or maybe you don’t, and you just need to prepare yourself. So, the conversation, that’s where you need to start putting this plan together, understanding who your parents’ providers are, the medications that they’re on. And those conversations are not going to just happen overnight. It’s going to take time. They might be closed off. They might say it’s none of your business. You know, we’re fine. And these are real answers that I’ve even as a caregiver have received from my parents. So, it’s just putting small or taking small steps and acquiring information and filling that information about mom and dad.

Speaker: I think it’s also hard to figure out when to do it because not only is it hard for the parents, a lot of times it’s hard for the kids because, you know, you grow up thinking your mom and dad are indestructible. They’re great, they’re healthy, they’re in fine shape. And that, you know, when we were in our 20s, if mom and dad are in their 50s and we approached them about this, it’s like, “What are you doing? We’re fine. Are you crazy? You’re retired.” So, at what point do you realize, “Oh my gosh, it’s late in the game”? When do you realize, “I’m too early”? Is it how difficult is it to figure out that right time to start the process?

Lina Zapata: I feel that if you’re in your 40s, your parents will probably be somewhere around in their 70s. I think that that is probably a good gauge to start this conversation. And if you have siblings, it’s really very important that you be on the same page because if you have the plan of attack, if you will, or sometimes one sibling is able to get and solicit more information than another sibling. You know, maybe I can talk to my mom and dad about their finances, but the other sibling can talk to them about their healthcare, or they’re just more receptive for whatever reason. You know, leverage your siblings too because they’re part of the care, and you don’t want you want to all be on the same page because when somebody’s sick or you’re going through a stressful crisis, sometimes the sibling dynamic can rear its ugly head. So, it’s good to have that from the get-go.

Speaker: Well, and I wonder if there’s a way to kind of bring it up in conversations even when your parents are seemingly fine to start getting just sort of seeding that idea of, “Hey, you know what? What do you envision for yourself later?” Because I know you’ve said it shared with me before that it’s really important for us to know what our parents really would like to do.

Lina Zapata: Yes, so out of all of this, as the roles reverse, we still have to keep in mind that our parents still have the right to make their own decisions. It may not agree with what we’re thinking for them, and sometimes you get so frustrated, like, “Why aren’t they listening to me?” But we have to honor their wishes, and they have rights as elder adults to live the way that they want to live. However, if the crisis is happening, you are preparing yourself to know what path you need to take by having some of these small conversations. And hopefully, over time, they’ll become more forthcoming with information. But a good place to start is, “Mom or Dad, do you have your advanced directives or your medical power of attorney, and where might those be, just in case?” And that’s one step in the next direction of filling them in, filling in the blanks.

Speaker: And if we start the process and we’re not sure what to do, how do we reach out for help? How do, who do we talk to, someone like you, to figure out, you know, what we need as far as list of names, documents, who the doctors are, power of attorney, finances, all that stuff? How do we know do I have it all put together?

Lina Zapata: Well, you can certainly call someone that is an aging life care manager, which is what I do for a living. And a lot of times, I’m just putting together and navigating the entire landscape of elder care and actually putting into motion the plans that have been defined. However, there are so many online resources. In Central Texas, we have a wonderful non-profit called the Age of Central Texas, which has a resource center and people there that can help. AARP has a good online resource, as well as the Area Agency on Aging. These are all free resources that you can access online, or give them a call, or even visit now that things are opening up to gather information that are at no cost to families.

Speaker: So, I feel like the most important thing that I’m hearing from you is that you have to start the conversations, and you have to start gathering that information. You need to start thinking about what care they might prefer it to be, whether that’s always the way it plays out later, but just really, like, those conversations.

Lina Zapata: Yes, yeah, that is the first, yeah. Don’t leave it to guessing. Put pen to paper and fill in those blanks.

Speaker: Yeah, anything else you’d like to share?

Lina Zapata: No, I mean, I’m just a very big advocate, especially through the things that we have just gone through in 2020, is to have a plan in place and make sure that you know which direction. Put pen to paper, don’t keep it in your head, write it down and communicate with the care village that surrounds the elder adult.

Speaker: Right, and the care village is your family, your siblings, their relatives, perhaps the providers.

Lina Zapata: Yeah, and as they age, oftentimes that gets bigger, right? Because there’s more doctors potentially involved and that’s right and places where, you know, whether it’s moving them, keeping them where they are, more things to worry about. And so many. And one more thing is that if you start planning and having these things in place, it’s going to cost you less in time, money, stress because you at least have the information. You don’t have to think about it. So, I think that that’s also one big important factor because long-term care and care for aging elder adults is not it’s expensive, so you have to be a good steward, and if you can minimize those costs, all the better.

Speaker: Well, it sounds like too that kind of like, you know, once you have sort of the playbook, if you will, that once something happens that you have to start initiating the activities that you’ve already prepared for, it seems like that’ll be a lot less stressful than you’re struggling while they’re in the hospital and they’re sick and all. So, you’re stressed and worried about them as well as trying to figure out, okay, what’s next, right?

Lina Zapata: And I do recommend, it’s called the book and it has all of that information. It’s not the playbook, but that’s a good that’s a good name for it. And it’s distributed to each family member that’s going to be a vital role in the adult elder’s care. So, it has all of that pertinent information ready and referenced because if you go to the hospital or the doctor, they’re going to ask you the same questions over and over again. It’s good to have a book.

Speaker: Good idea, absolutely. Good idea, Lina. Thank you so much. We appreciate it.

Lina Zapata: You’re welcome.

Speaker: All right. Time, money, and stress, but I think one of the biggest things I heard out of that is the team factor. I know my sister and I, your brother and you being on the same team and knowing what you’re doing with my mom and dad, with your mom, it helps a huge difference. It doesn’t fix things, it doesn’t take all the stress away, but it really fixes things in a big way.

Lina Zapata: Absolutely.

Speaker: So, so many topics to talk about when it comes to helping our aging parents. So, if you have other ideas or issues that you’d like us to cover, just let us know.

*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.