Helping your aging parents downsize

Transcript of Interview: “Helping your aging parents downsize”

Mike Barnes:

Stuff. I think that’s the best description you can say about all the things you accumulate in your lifetime. Whether you live in the same house for what, 28 years like we have, or if you’re in your 60s, 70s, or 80s, even if you live in an apartment, you just get stuff. Sometimes we have a lot more stuff than we realize, and it can be really overwhelming.

Kim Barnes:

So we decided to bring in Kim Stanley. She’s a downsizing specialist, author, and coach. Thanks so much for being with us, Kim.

Kim Stanley:

Thanks for having me.

Kim Barnes:

As Mike said, the longer we live, and especially the longer we live in one place, we just start accumulating a lot of things. When we think about our aging parents and all of the things that they have, we just think, “Can we start trying to pare through some of these things so that we don’t end up with so much stuff?” Whether they decide they want to move or we just want to start going through some of that stuff.

Mike Barnes:

Yeah, clean up, declutter.

Kim Stanley:

Absolutely. It is the number one thing that I run across, and I ran across it when I first started my real estate business, which is where this all began. We’re overwhelmed; we have too much stuff, and we don’t know where to start. That is the biggest downsizing dilemma that everybody has. I’ve spent the last 15 years helping people and figuring out how to make this much easier and much less stressful.

Kim Barnes:

I think a lot of times people think, “Oh, we just need to do this when we’re moving.” But I would think that even as I’m looking around our house and thinking about when we moved my mom, it would probably be a lot easier if I started doing it a little bit at a time.

Kim Stanley:

Absolutely. We all have those places in our houses where we say, “I really need to declutter this space.” You open the door, look at it, and then you close the door. I have a closet that I’ve done that with for three or four years, so I can understand that.

Kim Barnes:

I think an easy thing to get over that part of it where you’re procrastinating is to give yourself a reason or, if you’re working with your parents, to give them a reason. “Hey Mom and Dad, I’m going to have a neighborhood garage sale, and I would really like to have some more stuff to put in it. Maybe this would be a great time to go through the garage, the guest bedroom, or that extra closet we’ve been talking about decluttering. Can we set a time in the next week or two to go through that so I can have some more of your things for the garage sale and maybe get you a little bit of money for it?”

Mike Barnes:

That’s a great idea.

Kim Stanley:

You may be kind of making it up. You can have a garage sale or you may be thinking, “I’m going to make a Goodwill run,” or whatever your donation center is. “I know you had a few things you were thinking about getting rid of. Could we set a time to go through that so I can take it all together?” Just a little thing that’s not threatening. If you say, “Mom and Dad, you’re not going to be wanting to live in this house forever. You’re not going to be able to take care of this house after a while, and you’re going to need to move to a senior community or a smaller home, so why don’t we get started on that now?” They might say, “No, thank you.”

Kim Barnes:

Exactly. They might say, “Go away. Don’t tell me what to do.”

Kim Stanley:

Right. How you approach people and even how you approach yourself matters. Give yourself some sort of reason and impetus. Sometimes it’s, “Oh my gosh, I’ve got guests coming in, so I have to clear out that guest room,” or whatever it is. Give yourself an accountability buddy or something to follow up with you and make sure you do this. That’s what we do when we work with our downsizing clients in my business. We hold them accountable. We give them, “Okay, let’s just do a little bit here. We’re going to start here. We’re going to get this much done, and we’re going to check back with you on this date to see how it’s going.”

Mike Barnes:

When my mom and dad had a house in the country that they lived in for about 25 years before they sold it a couple of years ago, before that, we lived in a house for about 25 years. When we were selling that house and trying to clean it up, we had all the stuff in the normal house, and we had all the stuff in the barn. We found that by cleaning it all up, just talking to my mom and my dad—and my mom has Alzheimer’s, so it was a little bit tougher on her—but just bringing up memories and saying, “What about this painting that used to be on the wall in the den? Where did that come from?” We would hear all kinds of old stories from the ’70s, and it was great to hear those things.

Kim Stanley:

Absolutely. I always encourage people to take their recorder out. We all have smartphones. We have recorders on our phones, and we can record those stories. I helped a gal move. She was really into music, and she had a baby grand piano that she was going to have to get rid of. The story behind that piano actually ended up in the book that I’ve got. I opened up my phone, and for half an hour, she sat there and told the story about growing up and how her uncle, who was like a father to her, gave her this grand piano and helped her develop a love of music. Throughout the years, she shared it with all these people, including her autistic granddaughter, helping her overcome things by teaching her piano. Her love of music and this baby grand piano was the center of it all. In telling that story, I think it gave her a sense of peace and helped her let go of it because where they were moving to, there was no way they could take it.

Kim Barnes:

I think that so many of our things, it’s not always the thing that we care so much about; it’s the story or the memory that it brings. Are there ways—like getting the recorder—that we could take a picture of things and then chronicle what the memory is? Are there other things we can do to help make it easier for our parents to let go, especially if it’s something that maybe nobody else in the family would appreciate the same way?

Kim Stanley:

Absolutely. I’m in the process of making a scrapbook for one of our clients that we’re moving because she is having a difficult time letting go of things. She has some beautiful collectible china and pieces like that. Really capturing that, whether it’s a lot of times—I think it’s great—you know, we still have those digital frames, and you can take a bunch of pictures, put a memory card in there, and turn it on. In their new home, their smaller home, they can see all those pictures, whether they’re family pictures or pictures of collectibles. You keep two or three pieces of whatever that is. I want to go back and address one thing you said, Kim, because my immediate question when you said you had three sets was, why?

Kim Barnes:

I know.

Kim Stanley:

We feel guilty about selling or getting rid of it. If you’re a good daughter or son, you feel guilty about that. I just want to encourage people, don’t feel guilty about it. Address it with your parents ahead of time. Don’t just say, “Okay, you don’t need three sets of this. I’m going to sell it.” You don’t want to trample all over their things. You want to honor that. At the same time, do not take on your parents’ stuff. I’ve seen people become hoarders because they moved one or two sets of parents’ things into their home. They still had their adult children’s things, and all of a sudden, you have a house full of stuff. You have one little path you’re going through, and they’ve become hoarders because they can’t even clean the house. You don’t want to do that. You don’t want to take on any guilt for letting go of things. Just make sure you’re communicating with your parents and talking with them about it. If you have to take something into your home or a storage unit for a while, just make sure you have a deadline and a timeline for getting rid of it.

Mike Barnes:

Be careful with your parents because you don’t know what something might mean to them. When we were cleaning out the barn and the house at my parents’ place, we were going through the barn, which had stuff from our house from the ’70s and ’80s. We were dividing things into piles: throw away, give away. A couple of times, my mom, who has Alzheimer’s, picked something up and walked off with it. A few months later, as we were cleaning out the real house, we found it in a closet. We thought, “We don’t need this. What are you doing?” You just have to be careful because you don’t know what might mean a little extra to them before you go, “Oh yeah, let’s throw that out. That’s ugly,” or whatever, just because it was made by you as a kid or whatever.

Kim Stanley:

One of the things we do with our clients when they say, “I have to keep this,” is ask, “Tell me more.” That’s a great phrase. Say, “Tell me more. What is it about this that’s so important to you?” Then ask more questions. “Okay, let’s talk about where will that go in your new place, and how often will you use it?” But you start with, “Tell me more,” open-ended questions to help them talk. A lot of times, they will talk themselves out of it.

Kim Barnes:

That’s a great question. So much of it is, what are the ways we can help make it a little easier for our parents? We need to know it will take more time than we think, so start planning ahead even before they are thinking of moving. This would be a great exercise.

Kim Stanley:

As long as you have a purpose for doing it that isn’t, “You’re going to have to make a move.” Unless they want to, then great, you’re all in.

Mike Barnes:

Is there a better order to do things in? Do you walk around the house and look for small things first and build up, or do you go to a room and work on one room at a time?

Kim Barnes:

That’s a great question.

Kim Stanley:

That is one of the big downsizing dilemmas I run into with people. They start the process, get bogged down, and quit. They have all these little projects they’ve started in different areas of the house, and nothing ever gets completed. Yes, absolutely, Mike. You want to start in one space. You can do one of two things. You can choose a space you walk by frequently and think, “This bugs me every time I look at it.” If you work on that space and start clearing it out, seeing improvements will motivate you to continue. The other way is to pick a space where you can make the most progress the fastest. Either way is great, but stay with that. For example, if it’s your office, start at one side of the room and work your way around. You’re tagging things and making decisions. Do I keep this? We use a color-coded system. Our green dots are, “I’m going to keep this.” Do I think it has value and I can sell it? Do I want to donate it? Is it just trash? Or gifting it, if you want to ask your family if they would like to have it.

Mike Barnes:

When Kim and her brother were cleaning out her mom’s place, they also decided who gets what. It makes things a lot easier in the long run.

Kim Stanley:

It’s great when you have family get-togethers. You can give them all stickers and tell them to put their initials on them. Say, “We’re going to play a game.” They all get a certain amount of stickers and put the stickers on the thing they want the most. If you want that antique Victrola and your brother also wants it, see who puts the most stickers on it. You can make it a fun thing to do ahead of time, not when you’re actually giving it to them. People can gift things long before they move, and someone else can enjoy them.

Kim Barnes:

We’ve joked about that in our family, like who gets the tea cart. Sometimes it can be difficult when it’s just my mom and me making decisions because I might think differently. Bringing in personalities and family dynamics can complicate things. Sometimes it’s helpful to bring in someone more objective.

Kim Stanley:

Absolutely. That’s the business we have. But even if you don’t hire a professional downsizing specialist or organizer, having a good friend who can sit by your side and be that objective voice to bounce ideas off of is helpful. Someone from your church or another group can be that person. It’s better to have someone who’s not related to you, who doesn’t have all the memories or frustrations of clutter. Always better to do that with an objective person.

Kim Barnes:

So many great tips, Kim. Thank you so much for all your assistance today.

Kim Stanley:

Thank you. What you’re doing here is just absolutely wonderful. I tell lots of people about your Facebook group.

Mike Barnes:

Thank you. We really appreciate it.

Kim Barnes:

I love the “tell me more” question. So many of the reasons we care about certain things are because of what they remind us of or the memory they bring up. Using your phone to record some of these memories is a great idea. Mike, you’ve recorded a lot of stuff with your grandparents before they passed away. It means a lot to you now.

Mike Barnes:

It does. Hopefully, these things mean a lot to you right now. If you have any tips or suggestions about topics we should discuss, let us know. Parenting aging parents.

*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.