Grieving for your aging parent before you lose them

Mike: I think we’re all used to anticipation it’s something that you kind of grew up with anticipating birthdays or Christmas or the first day of school or the last day of school anticipation should be fun but it’s not like that when you’re talking about grief

Kim: And I think that anticipatory grief is probably a term that many people aren’t familiar with I know I wasn’t and it can be so important to recognize what it is that you’re going through while you’re in it because a lot of times we don’t even realize that’s what’s showing up we asked Garrick Caldwell to join us he is the co-creator of “Kitchen Table Conversations” and you talk a lot about “anticipatory grief” Garrick

Garrick: yeah it’s one of those things that takes place typically when we’ve received a diagnosis of a terminal illness or chronic illness or it can take place when there’s just a major change about to come into our lives so it’s something we’re like well what do we do with this we’re feeling these things about the future but we don’t quite understand that if we’re grieving the fact that what was about to happen is not going to happen the way we thought it would

Kim: How often does grief, does that anticipatory grief show itself?

Garrick: It shows itself on a day-to-day basis when you’re working with someone as a caregiver. In particular, someone who has a terminal illness, or a chronic illness, where you’re seeing things change right before your very eyes. The person that you love is you know going through a massive change in process of their of their bodies, and their feelings, and how it is that they’re dealing with the illness, and you are grieving along with them. What it is that your life used to be, or what it would have been like if you have been able to stay healthy and be together.

You know I can certainly share an example where my wife and I, Kinsler, were married on November 1st of 2014 and 22 days later received a diagnosis of stage four metastatic melanoma with less than six months left to live. So we began, of course, anticipating the fact that she would no longer be with us at some point in time and we did our best of course to extend her life as long as possible but we agreed the fact that our honeymoon was not going to be a [normal] “honeymoon”. That we were not going to be able to be with our family and friends like we wanted to, or to travel to the places be anticipated traveling to so we began that that process of ‘anticipatory grief’ right at the time of our diagnosis.

Mike: Is it hard on some of us because we we’d understand what we’re going through we don’t we think it’s just frustration and oh “I’m just so sick of this”? We don’t realize it’s the anticipatory grief?

Garrick: Yeah there’s a frustration around it because you know, we know, it’s first of all it’s not supposed to happen this way and secondly is that we’re in this place where we’re feeling like we see it coming – but we feel guilty about the fact that we are acknowledging the reality of what life is going to be like. Or we start thinking about what life’s going to be like without them here and somehow we feel guilty about that so we have a little bit of guilt and shame kind of mixed into this. Then we are like well

“How do I deal with what’s going on with me day to day and I don’t want to be angry I don’t want to take myself out of the moment because I only have Precious Moments left”

and so that’s a part of where you find yourself frustrated not really understanding what is going on you’re overwhelmed with caregiving activities in duties and then on top of that you have all these feelings that how do I process this what do I do with these feelings because they get in the way of me being present, and being right here in the moment with my loved one.

Kim: yeah I think I’m realizing that some of the challenges that I’m having with my mom where, for me, it comes out as frustration when she gets locked out of her phone or something happens or I’m like Mom “oh my gosh, you know, why did you let that happen?” and I’m wondering now that we’re, I’m, learning more about this. I have a feeling like that my frustration is the way I sort of express it and it’s really just because it’s hard and upsetting that she can’t do the things that she used to do and so it is that an example of kind of that “anticipatory grief”? Is that just my being upset about the fact that she can’t understand that, or she can’t do that or she didn’t do it she didn’t lock herself out of her phone on purpose that that’s maybe the way I’m expressing that anticipatory grief which may not be the best way to to express it?

Garrick: well [..] it is a way of expressing it, which is valid, I mean your grief and how you’re mourning a loss is individual, is your fingerprint, and so however you go about it is unique to you and your relationship with that person. That’s important to take into heart, take to heart. The other thing is that we all sometimes express “frustration”, is you know the cousin to “anger”. There is a Injustice to this, there’s also resistance to the fact that you don’t want this to happen because this means one more step towards the fact that she may not be here in the future, and so we don’t want that to happen either so we’re kind of resisting along the way which creates frustration because we can’t control the eventuality of what is taking place. So there’s a lot of that kind of builds up it comes out as anger comes out as frustration it’s the it’s directly related cousin and it’s just part of the the grief Journey that we’re on with someone who is slowly over the course of time and actually will die.

Mike: When you hear the term “anticipatory grief” you think about anticipating grief which kind of sounds pessimistic [yeah] you need to you need to look at it in the right way that you’re helping you’re helping everyone, especially yourself.

Garrick: Yeah, you’re giving yourself a basically grief waits unwelcomed and if we will allow ourselves to feel what we feel and identify them then and we feel those feelings then it actually takes some of the harshness and the edge off it they soften over time but it’s only by leaning in, which is totally counterintuitive, when it comes to pain but leaning into it because underneath – the pain is the love – and the love between us never dies. It just simply is there’s a painful process we go through as we learn to live uh and to love them in their absence or after the loss has taken place but beforehand you’re losing the person that you thought you would have with you all this time the person that you thought they would be and wanted them to be with you and in relationship to you so that’s very genuine uh part of the grieving, grief Journey, when it comes to anticipating the loss of someone

Kim: I feel like with grief we often think of sadness where when we’re talking about this anticipatory grief you brought up some other we brought up some other emotions the anger, the frustration, What’s the difference in the two different the the different types of grief

Garrick: well grief is something we feel on the inside after the loss of someone anticipatory grief is the grief we feel in the anticipation of someone uh dying so it’s just the is that anticipatory component to it like it’s coming and now we’re saying oh we’re anticipating that so we’re sad about that and they’re also witnessing the fact that that person is changing and the reality is is kind of like we’re living with it day-to-day and we’re having to face that day-to-day and so oftentimes we are in the future with anticipatory group because we will more than likely live beyond their time of death and they were thinking well who are we going to be what are we going to be at that point in time but at the same time you know we’re worried about the fact of uh we need to be present because the time is limited and so that be-Twix, in between place, the place of chaos and confusion that oftentimes that creates is where we have to find some tools that allow us to be present in the moment to bring us back into the moment and allow us to be able to be with that loved one for as long as we can while they’re still here

Mike: yeah it kind of reminds me of some advice I got recently that has to do with dealing with my mother who has Alzheimer’s and it’s getting worse and worse and worse but but I heard someone say that that so many times we we we woe we miss we we’re sad about what’s missing and we don’t enjoy what’s still there and that’s so big I think for for all of us as we deal with our aging parents is, we love our aging parents, and yes we miss some things that are changing but I think part of the grief that would help you go through it is to remember what’s still there and enjoy that part

Garrick: it’s important to acknowledge the loss or it’s important to acknowledge the feelings you have about the pending the loss the loss that is coming and that allows you to be more in the moment because the resistance to the reality is what causes the pain I mean you know pain is inevitable but suffering is optional and so the optional part is where we resist and if we resist the fact that this is actually happening well then in fact we’ll be wound up in you know being in a place of frustration and anger and outside of ourselves in the future somewhere else other than the moment if we say well this is the way it is and my acceptance of that is proportional to my being able to be present if I can be present then I can engage and I can love them just as they are not as I think they want them to be

Kim: so I feel like what I’m hearing is that one of the most important things is to First acknowledge that this is what I’m experiencing where I think you know I I didn’t even it hadn’t even crossed my mind that I was really while I was being frustrated I was actually probably really sad at the same time do you know what I mean and so yes for me it was coming out that way so when you can first acknowledge then you can try to okay now I know what that is and when you see it maybe make some changes in in the way you react

Garrick: and also just allow yourself to be sad and to realize that that sadness will actually fall through to what’s underneath it which is love you’re sad I’m gonna miss her I mean when I watched my wife I’m I’m just was always reminded of how much I will miss her and of course that puts me back into the future which is what anticipatory grief’s about but at the same time it gives me a chance to let that feeling come up, have it be felt, understand where it’s coming from and the source of it is love

Kim: I had a friend tell me one time, who lost her husband, that she said you have to love so deeply to hurt so much. The more you love someone you have the reason why she felt so awful was because she loved so much

Garrick: Yeah and eventually you eventually over the course of time in your own way and at your own pace you learn to love you learn to remember them with more love than pain and that’s the hope

Kim: What’s the difference between “Mourning” and “Grief”?

Garrick: It’s an important question because there’s there’s the myth that they’re the same and the myth and misconception is based upon the fact that kind of all lumped together when in fact if you separate them out like uh they are they are which is grief is what we feel on the inside and mourning is what we do when we express our grief it’s grief come public it’s really expressing it’s through crying through journaling through taking a walk through doing art projects through remembering and talking about them all those are authentic mourning things that you do and because emotions need motion and when you move the grief into mourning you’re creating motion you’re creating momentum towards healing and that begins with acknowledgment acknowledgment of the loss which takes time and in that time you’re in denial and you’re in confusion but as you move through that over the course of time again at your own pace and in your own way and you more and more embrace the acknowledgment and begin to integrate that into your daily life then in fact you’re able to move your grief into mourning and that happens because you mourn

Mike: so many great tips to remember I love that emotion needs motion. Thank you so much for all these tips. It’s going to help so many people thank you very much

Garrick: thank you

Kim: I think it is so important to remember and recognize that that with our aging parents there is a lot of sadness that comes with it because of either the diagnosis the changes the things we’re seeing and and the path that we’re headed toward and so I like the idea of being able to acknowledge it so that we can call it out when we see it and be able to do something about it.

Mike: Hopefully it will help us all.

If you have any type of topic you’d like us to discuss please let us know parenting aging parents

*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.