Taking care of your parents and your kids

Transcript of Interview: “Taking care of your parents and your kids”

Mike Barnes:

You know, we call it Parenting Aging Parents, and yet there are other family members involved, especially if you have kids of any age. Whether they’re in their 20s like ours or even younger, kids are a factor.

Kim Barnes:

Absolutely. So today we brought in Jaci Finneman. She is a parenting coach with No Problem Parenting. Thanks so much for being with us.

Jaci Finneman:

I’m excited to be here, you guys. It’s great to see you again.

Kim Barnes:

There are so many people in our community who are part of what we call the sandwich generation, where you have parents that you’re caring for and kids that you’re caring for. We’re looking to really help people figure out how do you put those together so that you don’t shortchange either one.

Mike Barnes:

And I would love to get just your thoughts, especially from you. How do you parent kids while you’re also parenting your parents?

Jaci Finneman:

It is such a good question, and I think it’s not talked about enough. Often, if our parents are living with us and we’re raising our kids, whether they’re little or teens, people don’t feel as comfortable having those conversations about how’s it going with having your parents living with you and raising your kids. We think, oh, it must be so nice that your parents can help with the littles, or they can take some of the responsibilities. That’s great when that happens, but sometimes that’s not the case. We are actually doing a lot of caregiving for the aging parents, or if they’re in assisted living or some kind of care facility, and you’re feeling torn running the kids to school, picking them up from activities, and making sure you’re visiting your parents or taking care of their legal matters. Just all the things, you’re feeling kind of this tug of war and is it ever enough? Much less caring for yourself, making sure you’re doing some good self-care.

The fun thing about No Problem Parenting is really three steps. Seek first to understand why is my child behaving the way they are and why am I responding or reacting the way I am? That can be applied to an aging parent as well. Why is my aging parent behaving the way they are? Are they depressed, sad, struggling? And why am I responding or reacting to their behavior or their situation the way that I am? The first thing is to seek first to understand. The second is to prepare for the worst. We can’t always be prepared; life throws us curveballs, our kids and aging parents certainly do. But there are those certain behaviors or challenges that are going to happen day in and day out that we know are going to happen. Those are the things we can be prepared for, much like the caregiver’s key you guys mentioned, a great tool to help you prepare for the worst. And the third step is to change the conversations.

Mike Barnes:

I love that.

Jaci Finneman:

I believe that we’re giving our kids way too much unconditional praise, so much so that they don’t believe what we’re telling them. They don’t believe it themselves. I teach a lot about giving conditional praise first and then pouring on the unconditional praise. We can do the same thing with the conversations that we’re having with our aging parents. Lead with empathy, not sympathy, for their situation because empathy is way more empowering. Naming the conversation, naming the elephant in the room, the problem, the challenge, instead of feeling like we can’t talk about it or don’t know what to say, and we just go through the motions day in and day out.

When a parent is struggling with feeling torn in all the different directions, the younger kids sometimes feel left out. They feel like Mom and Dad don’t have enough time for them. Teenagers don’t really want us around a lot, but when they want us, they want us right there and want our full attention. Sometimes, when you’re caring for your own parent, you can really feel a tug of war. Just name what you’re thinking, say the thoughts out loud. I wonder if you feel like I’m giving Grandma or Grandpa more attention than I’m giving you. Ask them, see what they say. Just naming that can be so huge. You can say to your aging parent, I wonder if you’re feeling like a burden because we’re here and not at our kids’ baseball game because you needed us. Sometimes we’re afraid, thinking these things, pouring all this energy into the problem, when it may not be a problem at all if we just have that honest conversation.

Kim Barnes:

Yeah, I’m picturing our kids as teenagers; that could be an interesting conversation.

Mike Barnes:

That’s for sure. But I’m of the belief, and I think it’s because of the way my dad raised me when my grandfather had a stroke when I was 13, that it has to be a team effort. Now, team effort doesn’t mean, okay, son, you have to do all the work, but a team effort to keep everyone involved.

Jaci Finneman:

Absolutely. When our kids feel needed, acknowledged, and part of the team, they do better. They feel important and like they matter. That’s the same for the aging parent as well. When you’re being cared for, sometimes it can feel less empowering, like you’re not as important or you’re a burden. So, as much as we can include both the child and the aging parent and help them feel important, needed, and valued, that’s super key.

Kim Barnes:

I would imagine, from some of the conversations we’ve heard in the community, it can be easy for the kids to start feeling a little bit of resentment. In many cases, it’s a situation where it’s been your immediate family, you’ve been taking care of your kids, and all of a sudden, because of a crisis, a diagnosis, a fall, or an accident, now there’s attention that needs to be paid to your parents, to the grandparents. There can be that resentment of, wait a minute, I used to get all of your attention, and now you’re turning your focus to the grandparents. I love what you mentioned earlier about being able to really have those conversations because we often make assumptions or think they’ll be fine, they’ll bounce back, it’ll just be for a short time. Often it might be just for a short time, but it can go on and on, and you can start creating some issues then.

Jaci Finneman:

Absolutely. I recently had a guest on the podcast talking about the difference between investing time and spending time. When you think about an investment, what is your hope? You’re expecting a return on your investment, right? When we spend five dollars on something, that money’s gone. We spent the time; it’s gone. Think about that when you’re investing time with your aging parent and/or your child. It doesn’t have to be hours and hours. If your kid comes to you and you’re busy with your parent’s bills and your kid says, “Mom, I need you,” pause and invest three to five minutes hearing your child. They’ll go on their way, and they’ll be fine because you invested that bit of time. Then you can go back to what you were doing.

It’s not about the kids carrying the burden, but kids want to feel important, that what they’re contributing matters and helps. The same with aging parents. Give Grandma or Grandpa a task, whether they live with you or not, and let them know how much you value their input or support. Invest a little time hearing them; it goes a long way.

Mike Barnes:

I think so much of it has to do with expectations. Over the last two years since my mom moved to Memory Care, our son Brandon has said things like, “What are you doing on Thursday?” I might say, “I’m going to Rockwall to see Gram and Cubby, my mom and dad.” He might be disappointed but then I make sure to plan something for another day. Managing expectations helps avoid resentment.

Jaci Finneman:

Absolutely. Bring your kids along when you visit your parents. Include them in the phone calls or FaceTiming. Have a night where they’re involved in the care. Sometimes we impose the weight of caregiving on ourselves, feeling we’re the only ones who can do everything.

Kim Barnes:

That’s a great point. Sometimes we feel like we have to do it all. Like with computer help for my father-in-law, we’ll get our son involved. Also, for financial advice, I tell my kids to talk to their granddad. Sharing experiences and helping each other is important.

Jaci Finneman:

Exactly. It’s like working parents struggling to balance work and home life. We can feel torn and approach our kids saying, “I’m sorry I have to work,” instead of being positive about it. Have a family plan for different situations, including caring for grandparents. It normalizes the family situation, making everyone feel comfortable and confident.

Kim Barnes:

I love that idea of a family plan. It sets expectations and helps the family operate smoothly. When our kids were little, Mike worked nights during football season and couldn’t come home for dinner. Instead, he made sure to be up with them every morning, took them to school, and did all that to make up for it.

Jaci Finneman:

Yes, focus on what you can do and feel confident in that. When parents feel confident, kids feel better. Like dropping a toddler off at daycare, don’t linger. Say goodbye confidently and go. The more confident we feel, the better our kids will feel. This applies to aging parents too. Visit them and be positive about the time spent. Shift your mindset to appreciate the time you have.

Kim Barnes:

So much of it is about our mindset and approach, whether it’s conversations with our children or managing situations. Some situations can be tough, like dealing with a parent with advanced Alzheimer’s, but a positive mindset helps.

Jaci Finneman:

Absolutely. No Problem Parenting is about turning problems into no problems. Problems are situations that need to be dealt with and overcome. We can turn those problems into no problems, feeling empowered to deal with any challenge.

Mike Barnes:

You’ve given us great advice on how to handle problems positively. Thanks so much for being with us.

Kim Barnes:

I love the ideas of having a family plan and open communication with the kids. Communication is key. If there are any other topics you’d like us to discuss, please let us know at Parenting Aging Parents.

*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.