Overcoming Loneliness in Caregivers & Elderly Parents

Transcript of Interview: “Overcoming Loneliness in Caregivers & Elderly Parents: How to Combat Isolation & Feel Valued”

Introduction to the Loneliness Epidemic

Mike Barnes: When we started Parenting Aging Parents, gosh, almost three years ago, the idea was, well, let’s help people because people need to know how to take care of their aging parents, the questions they need to ask, the information they need to get. I had no idea that so many people feel so alone. Being a caregiver can be a really lonely place, as well as being the aging parent.

Kim Barnes: Today, we’re talking to Linda Lattimore, who just released a brand new book called “Gratitude: Overcoming Loneliness in a Disconnected World.” So, Linda, thanks so much for joining us.

Linda Lattimore: Hi, I’m so glad to be here.

Kim Barnes: Yeah, as Mike mentioned, you know, I think that when you think of loneliness, sometimes, I know for me, I used to always worry about my mom living at home by herself, not being able to drive anymore, and being isolated. And that was one of the reasons why we really wanted her to move to independent living. So, I think we often think of our older adults, our aging parents being lonely, but I think that also being a caregiver can be really isolating too. So, I don’t know where we should start, but let’s start there.

The Global Impact of Loneliness

Linda Lattimore: Well, you know, I have to tell you, I don’t think any of us realized at all that loneliness is the number one pandemic in the world right now, not just in the United States. I don’t think I realized it when I started writing this book. It was called something else until the Surgeon General released this report last year saying, you know, that 50% of our population is extremely lonely. And that is, you know, the elderly, although we’re growing in terms of percentages, but still, think of it, 50% of the world is lonely right now.

The Paradox of Social Connectivity

Kim Barnes: Well, and in a time, in some ways, we’re the most connected we’ve ever been technically through social media, and yet we can still feel so alone.

Personal Stories and the Journey to Writing “Gratitude”

Linda Lattimore: Absolutely. You can feel alone when you’re in a room with 300 people. You can feel very alone. You can feel alone in a bad marriage. You can feel alone at the office. I mean, it’s something internal that you just don’t feel that you’re connected or valued, quite frankly, by the rest of the world, or your community at large. And I think it’s particularly acute as we get older. That’s why I started writing “Gratitude.” It was called a value journal for a while. A friend of mine in Austin, Jan Goss, who you actually know, called me one day, and I told her what I was doing. I said, “You know, I’m just not feeling really valued right now. Ageism is coming in for me. I’m not seeing some stuff, and I’m writing myself a little value journal every night, and I’m writing down the things that I did to add value to the world.” And it could be that I lent the guy downstairs some quarters for the dryer. It didn’t have to be that I was solving global poverty. I just needed to write down things that made me feel like I was a cog in the wheel, right? That I mattered. And she was like, “That needs to be a book.” So that’s what happened. And now there’s 520 many ways in this book that people can actually act to connect with another person one-on-one and add value to their lives.

The Physical and Mental Health Risks of Loneliness

Mike Barnes: You know, when you mention loneliness, the first thing I think about is sadness, that when you’re lonely, you’re going to be sad. But I’ve looked at that Surgeon General’s report because I’m actually doing something about loneliness in a Bible study lecture I’m doing next week, and talking about Job, that’s a whole another story. But anyway, it just surprised me as I read that Surgeon General’s report that loneliness increases the risk of heart problems, of dementia, of stroke, and that just scares you to death when you hear those stories.

Addressing Loneliness in Caregivers

Linda Lattimore: Well, they said in that report that it was the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Think about that. And so, when you think of, you know, we’re seeing a lot of people who are not doing well right now post-pandemic, but think of what happened to everybody during the pandemic, that we were so alone, right? And so, you know, the health just got worse instead of you think you’re not catching a virus, but you’re lonely, and it’s affecting everything, your emotional everything else. So, you know, kind of segueing that into your caretakers and your older people who are confined, a lot of them aren’t confined or not as mobile, you know, they’re feeling the same physical implications as the mental implications of being so alone. And I think personally that it really stems back to value. A lot of times, caregivers, I know I was, both my parents have passed now, but we had long journeys before they did, and it was a long road. And you’re not always, you don’t always feel appreciated as a caregiver, and that is a very lonely place to be. You’re doing your best to help, but you’re not always getting a thank you or gratitude or anything from the person that you’re trying to help, and that’s extremely lonely. It’s very isolating.

Strategies for Caregivers to Combat Loneliness

Kim Barnes: So, where do we start thinking about maybe the caregivers? Let’s start there and think about what are the ways that a caregiver, even if you might be kind of isolated because you’re spending a lot of time caring just one-on-one for your parent, or maybe you’re just juggling too much so that you’ve got, you’re working and you have kids and you have your parents and you don’t have much time for yourself, and that could potentially make you feel lonely in the way that you mentioned, where you may have lots of people around you and still feel alone. So, what are some things that people could do?

Linda Lattimore: Well, you know, when I was, when I started putting this together, it ended up being a 52-week journey. And the topics each week are things like empathy and courage and bravery, and how can you exhibit those, or how can you teach someone else or help someone else show courage or bravery, in this idea of adding to a value pot which makes our world better. I think probably a lot of the things that I put in here were self-care because it wasn’t just about, if we take a look at empathy, yes, we’re very empathetic, and if you’re an empath like me, which means that I feel terrible for everybody who’s suffering, I take it all on, you know, I’m one of those. Sometimes you have to be empathetic for yourself. So, in one of the sections in here on compassion, it’s not just about how do you exhibit compassion for another person, it’s about exhibiting compassion for yourself. And when you start to fill those tanks again, your emotional tank, you feel less lonely, you feel more valued, and when we feel more valued, you know, we become a better version of ourselves, and we are less internally lonely. So, you know, I mean, there’s all the things you can think of. I could open it up and read you a bunch of them, but, you know, take time for yourself. It’s hard when you have all of these things coming down on you. Very much, we’ve all been that sandwich generation where we have kids, now I have five little grandkids, and my daughters who could use a hand, and my parents no longer here, but there, you’re still doing your best to help. You do have to step back and say, “I had to step back this week after being with a bunch of toddlers and go, ‘I think I need some time for Linda.'” And I think a caregiver absolutely has to take those moments and say, “I need some time,” and then go do things where they connect at a different level with people who are not suffering or who are in a, or who are needy. You know, maybe go just meet a girlfriend for a cup of coffee and share, or you know, begin to do those things where you don’t feel like just the life is being sucked out of you, again, the energy is being sucked out, but instead, you’re being replenished.

The Importance of Community and Deep Connections

Mike Barnes: Well, it just seems to me like no matter what your age or what your role is, whether you’re the caregiver or the aging parent or whatever it is, that you are, find the opportunities to be around people. I know that it was tough on my dad when they, when my mom and dad were still living in their house about an hour outside of Dallas, Texas, and my dad was taking care of my mom 24/7. He didn’t cook, so he’d take her out to eat, but it was just the two of them, and he’d spend most of his time alone upstairs, Mom would spend most of her time alone downstairs just sitting in front of a TV, and it was tough on both of them. And moving to Independent Living, it’s not that moving there was that good, but the fact that they were around people helped so, so much.

Linda Lattimore: Yeah, that community, that community. And it’s the community, but I think personally it’s one level deeper than that because all of us are yearning for that ride-or-die friendship, that partner that may have passed on, that Thelma and Louise kind of thing, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid kind of thing. We’re all looking for that. I can go to Rotary, which has got 200 people, and they’re all heart, you know, giving people doing service work in the world, and still not feel really connected with someone. That’s not a friend. So, I mean, I tell people all the time, there was a, there’s a gentleman there who is head of a couple of different nonprofits, and I told him what I appreciated about him was that he stopped me in the parking lot a couple of times and reached out to me and said, “How are you?” And I would be like, “Oh, fine.” He goes, “No, I’m asking you, how are you?” Looking me straight in the eye. Oh my God, I almost started crying thinking about it because I was so hungry for that, not just a hello, how are you, but someone who genuinely expressed an interest in me. And I certainly think with your folks and my mom, after my parents were married 54 years, and after my dad passed, my mom had to go on her own journey, and I know it was really hard on her, just to have someone who genuinely asks questions about their life, if you, if they’re still, you know, have their mental faculties where you can actually do that, but really show that level of care, not just be in the room. I think it’s an even, to solve this loneliness thing, I think it’s an even deeper thing. Our kids have been disconnected with social media and stuck in a house, not being able to graduate from high school or college, and they haven’t been socialized the last two years, and you know, our elderly have been all locked down. All of us have been locked down. So now, how do we come out again?

Being a Friend to Combat Loneliness

Kim Barnes: Well, I think, is it one of those things that, like, you would, you could hear your mom saying, is, you know, to have a friend is to be a friend, you know? So sometimes, maybe it’s, it’s thinking about even as a caregiver and all the work that you’re putting into being a caregiver, but maybe when you see a friend at the grocery store or, you know, something like that, really making the effort to, like you said, go that little bit extra deep, you know, that, that go a little extra, um, deep where you can ask, you know, really how are you doing, where you’re building that friendship, not just, and you can tell them how you’re doing. I think we, yes, we see so many group, just sharing what they’re going through makes them feel so much better.

Linda Lattimore: Well, and sometimes knowing where it’s safe to do that, right? Like, I mean, we created, you know, Parenting Aging Parents because people then don’t feel like I’m venting or sharing in a place where people can’t understand, so they might be, you know, if you just told somebody, a friend at the grocery store, they may be who can’t relate, they may be like, “Huh, well, I’m so sorry,” but they can’t really relate, where, you know, in the community, everybody is right there by side and knows exactly what you’re going through, or similar, going through.

Practical Advice for Caregivers from “Gratitude”

Linda Lattimore: Yeah, I think it’s really important. I was thinking, well, I, I picked, I picked, anyway, this is the book. I picked it up, and I actually have a section for caregivers, uh, things you can do for caregivers in here, and, you know, offering to drive the person they’re caring for a couple of times a week. I’m sure that would have been really helpful, you know, to a wife who’s got a husband that’s ill, or doing grocery shopping for him. Just, that’s the friend part that we’re talking about, not just, and make, and actually saying, “Here’s a list of five things I can do for you. Pick one.” Because when you say to somebody, “What can I do for you?” nine times out of ten, they’ll say, “Oh, we’re good.” If you can say, “I can bring dinner Monday night. I can drop your cleaning off Tuesday. I’m going to go to the store on Wednesday. Give me your list.” Suddenly, they don’t feel like they’re imposing, right? Because you give them, them, you know, they can checkmark it, and they don’t feel like that anymore.

Encouraging Activities for Aging Parents

Kim Barnes: Right. Now, for our older, for our, for our aging parents who may be, you know, maybe bedbound, maybe not really leaving the house much, or maybe might be in an independent living or an assisted living, and, and still getting around, or living in their home and still, you know, out and about, active, you know, what are some things that maybe our aging parents can do to try to combat that loneliness too?

Leveraging Technology and Activities to Stay Engaged & Contribute

Linda Lattimore: Well, you know, it’s interesting because when we talked about that, I went back through and I pulled out 20 different things for people who are less mobile or, you know, not able to get out as much, but who still really want to contribute and feel like they’re an active part of society. And it’s in a document that I sent you earlier, and you can share it with anyone who’s interested in getting that, but, you know, they can have, they can support a farmer by ordering from a community garden, you know, how you can get subscription boxes where they feel like they’re actually helping an entrepreneur. I will say that as I was looking through, a lot of the, they really need to be connected on the computer or on their phone, and I know that sometimes, I don’t think so much anymore, there’s been a reluctance there, but I think that’s passing somewhat as the Boomers get up. They’ve been connected for quite a while. I know my mother went to an Apple store at 82 and got herself, and we showed her how to do an iPad, and then she called me one day and said, “I’m not going to that class anymore.” And I said, she was 82, 83, and I said, “Why not?” She goes, “There’s too many old people in there. I can do this.” I was like, “Okay, that’s great.” But, you know, she figured it out, and, and I think, but that really is big because they can join a book group online with people who’ve reading the same book and begin to have, you know, a book club and conversations, help pick the books. If they’re interested in, a lot of things I put in there mostly were not about investing money because not everybody has to, but if you, if they wanted to put $50 into Kiva or one of the microfunds and begin to watch how these entrepreneurs are doing, they could do that. They could have, if they have grandkids over, have them over and do what I call reverse day, where you eat your dessert before your dinner, and you, you know, everything is in reverse. So, I put about 20 different things on there that could make them feel like they’re still adding value to our world because we need them as much is, you know, they need us. We need their wisdom. They can teach English, ESL, you know, online. There’s a lot of people now who, you know, not just immigrants, but people in other countries you can connect to who want to have a conversational platform to begin to practice their English, and, and you know, that’s a way to connect and still feel like you’re part of a community.

Kim Barnes: Sure, sure. And actually, your knowledge and your experience.

Linda Lattimore: Absolutely. There’s a lot of knowledge to share, and, and we want to hear it all. So, anyway, I, I grabbed some of those out, and, and yeah, anyone is welcome to take a look at those and see if it helps.

Kim Barnes: Yeah, that’s great because I think it’s just so much of trying to figure out what’s going to work best either in your situation as the caregiver, you know, what can you fit in, or how can you find time for, as well as for our aging parents to give them some things that really help. They feel like they’re a valuable member of…

Feeling Valued

Linda Lattimore: They are absolutely a valuable member, and a lot of them is wisdom grabbing, you know. There’s a lot of wisdom out there that we can’t let slide, yeah, that we need. And that, and for me, the whole thing was just feeling more valuable. Like I said, at this point, I was not going to go be another, probably, I’m a lawyer, a corporate general counsel again, at this juncture of my life. I was not going to be doing a lot of these things, so where was my value? And that is the thing that makes you question where you fit in, and we want, we want them to know that they fit in and they’re needed.

Kim Barnes: Yeah. So, the book really helps people have just almost a roadmap.

The Roadmap

Linda Lattimore: It’s absolutely a roadmap. Oh, perfect. That’s like, I say, it’s absolutely a roadmap. There’s, each week, there’s a reflection. These are short, right? There’s a reflection on, like I say, it could be courage, empathy, our military families. I mean, that’s one of the things that I had, I think, on the, the 20 list was, you know, they can even, and, um, get involved if they like to knit. I’m not a knitter, but there’s organizations like knitting socks for our military. There’s other ones where they can do backpacks, and they can order that stuff online to come in and try and assemble the backpacks for the kids. There’s a lot of kids that need school supplies, you know. So, there’s many ideas where you can, you may not be able to get out, but you can come in, and you can still be contributing because these organizations need them.

Kim Barnes: Yeah, and those are all in the book, so that’s helpful too.

Linda Lattimore: They’re all in the book, and they’re a bunch on that piece of paper.

Mike Barnes: Well, it definitely is an epidemic, and Linda Latimore, thanks so much because you’re helping us fight it.

Linda Lattimore: Thank you.

Conclusion: The Importance of Making an Effort

Mike Barnes: You’re welcome. I think what we’re learning here is, is basically, make the effort, no matter who you are, make the effort, whether you’re the aging parent, if you’re the adult child who’s being the caregiver, make the effort, and we can fix this epidemic.

Kim Barnes: Hopefully so. Just make people feel valued. I think that’s really what’s so important because we all, everybody wants to feel needed.

Mike Barnes: Hey, if there’s any other topic you’d like us to discuss, please let us know, Parenting Aging Parents.

*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.