Practical Tips to Help you Cope.
Caring for an aging parent can be challenging even in the best of circumstances. Throw in narcissism and the experience can be even more difficult.
Whether your parent has full-blown narcissistic personality disorder or exhibits narcissistic traits, there are strategies for coping and maintaining your own mental health.
Patty Monical is a Family Therapist and Counselor with Just Mind Counseling. She joins Kim and Mike Barnes of Parenting Aging Parents to discuss the traits of a narcissist, understanding what you can do to manage the situation while also taking care of yourself, how to not let it affect your mental health and the steps you can take to try to handle the situation when you think it’s too much for you.
0:00 – Introduction: The Challenge of Narcissistic Parents
0:22 – Understanding Narcissism: A Spectrum of Behaviors
1:10 – Key Traits of Narcissistic Personality & Their Impact
2:35 – Impact on Children and Need for Trauma Resolution
3:50 – Importance of Self-Care & Setting Boundaries
5:15 – Strategies for Adult Children Caring for Narcissistic Parents
6:40 – Educating Yourself on Narcissism: Resources and Tips
8:05 – Responding to Narcissistic Behavior: Practical Tips
9:30 – The Concept of ‘Gray Rocking’ and Emotional Indifference
10:55 – Building a Support Network and Utilizing Resources
13:10 – Radical Acceptance, Forgiveness and Personal Healing
13:45 – Personalizing Coping Strategies and Seeking Professional Help
15:00 – Conclusion: Emphasizing Communication and Support
Read the full transcript
Transcript of Interview: ” Dealing with a Narcissistic Parent”
Mike Barnes:
It seems like almost every day in the Facebook group, it happened again today, we see someone talking about, “What do I do because my parent is so narcissistic and it’s hard to deal with?” It can be a little bit confusing.
Kim Barnes:
We decided to bring in an expert, Patty Monical of Just Mind Counseling, who is with us. I think that term “narcissism” gets thrown around a lot, so why don’t we start with what it really is?
Patty Monical:
Hi, good to be here. Narcissism really exists on a spectrum. You can be kind of a mild narcissist and just have some mean behaviors that make people feel bad. Lack of empathy is one of the main things that shows up in any narcissistic personality. On the far end of the extreme is someone who would meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, which is a diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health. They have to meet several criteria, but basically, anyone with narcissistic behaviors is probably going to be someone who generally lacks empathy, as I said. They can be very dismissive of ideas or other people’s opinions or experiences. They can communicate with a lot of shame, especially to their children. They can also, on the other side of that, be completely charming and charismatic and present a persona to the community that is admirable. They might be a philanthropist or someone who volunteers a lot and is really into self-promotion. There’s that grandiosity as well. It’s a tricky set of behaviors, especially to grow up with, and I’ve had many clients who have had narcissistic parents who need a lot of trauma resolution or, at the very least, a lot of deep healing work in their adult years.
Kim Barnes:
Whether your parent is a true narcissist or just has those narcissistic traits, you have to cope in certain ways. I know that self-care is a big thing that you have to do.
Patty Monical:
Self-care is a phrase that gets tossed around and, for some people, has become somewhat of a tired cliché. I think it’s been overused. I focus on self-care so much with my clients, no matter what they’re dealing with, because that really is the foundation of mental health and well-being. There are other things involved as well, but self-care is really about a mindset. It’s more than getting regular manicures and pedicures and treating yourself to a bubble bath and a glass of champagne. It’s a mindset of, “I deserve goodness, I deserve to be treated well, I deserve to have clear boundaries that are respected by the people around me.” It’s more of a mindset of deservedness, which speaks of self-worth and self-compassion.
Mike Barnes:
If you are the adult child of a parent who has these narcissistic tendencies, and this is likely something that you’ve dealt with your whole life, and maybe you’ve gone off and done your own thing for a while and now are back in the position of really trying to step in and care for your parent, where maybe they’re living with you or you’re living with them, or there’s just a lot more needed contact, how do you manage that as an adult who still has this parent who makes you feel bad sometimes?
Patty Monical:
It’s tough. It’s tough enough caring for an aging parent when the roles reverse, the parent-child roles reverse. Add in narcissism, and that makes it even more challenging. Hopefully, an adult child who finds themselves in that position has educated themselves about narcissism and the best ways to protect themselves from narcissistic behavior and abuse. If that hasn’t happened by the time they get to the age where they’re caring for their parents, there’s a big learning curve. My first suggestion for anybody in that position would be to educate yourself. Even if you’re already educated about narcissism, get more education. There are lots of resources out there, lots of books and podcasts. One woman that I have followed in the last several years is Dr. Ramani. She’s a clinical psychologist with a very popular YouTube channel. She’s amazing. I’ve learned a lot from her as well as from my clients who educate me about what it’s like to grow up in a family with narcissistic parents.
Kim Barnes:
How do you respond when your parent is saying things like, “You don’t do enough,” or “I expect you to do this,” or “You’re not good enough”? How do you manage that? How do you know what you can do and what you maybe can’t do? When do you step away, and when do you step in?
Patty Monical:
That’s really important. I think the most important thing is to not take those things personally as the adult child caregiver because it’s not personal. It’s about them, not about you. That’s one of the hardest things to get your mind around because it sure feels personal. So, that’s where that mindset of self-care comes in as well. Just know that it’s not about you. Have clear, firm boundaries. If you need to say something like, “When you talk to me that way, I’m going to leave,” that’s a good boundary. You’re not going to change them most likely. As narcissistic parents age, it’s very likely, though not always, that their behaviors will become exaggerated. They’ll get worse and be even more challenging to deal with, which is a real downer. But the caregiver will really benefit from equipping themselves with knowing what their boundaries are and how they’re going to communicate those. It’s all about taking care of yourself. Having a good support network is paramount. There are a lot of ways to do that. If you don’t have friends and family that will offer support, there are lots of community resources. National organizations like the Alzheimer’s Association, adult daycares specifically for handling narcissistic parents, and support groups for adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families (they’ve renamed it because it’s not always about alcoholism, but about growing up in a dysfunctional family). These have been extremely helpful because it’s a group process of compassionately reparenting yourself after a lifetime of being parented by someone who’s not compassionate.
Kim Barnes:
So, in some ways, what I think I’m hearing you say is that you have to develop a thick skin where you just can’t take it personally, which I know is easy to say and hard to do. But you really have to lean into, “It’s not about me, it’s about them.” Is that what I’m almost hearing? How do you make it so that it doesn’t stick in your brain and really impact you?
Patty Monical:
That’s it. There’s a term that’s used in dealing with a narcissist called “gray rocking.” It really means not having any kind of emotional reaction to what a narcissist does or says because if you do react, that’s what’s called “narcissistic supply.” They want you to react; they feed on that. When you don’t react, it loses its power. So, becoming indifferent or at least faking indifference until you can get out of the environment where they are, and then do your own healing process, whatever that is—self-soothing, regulating the nervous system, calling on a friend, engaging in some kind of creative endeavor, perhaps physical exercise—those are ways to complete the stress cycle that can be instigated by being in the presence of a narcissistic parent.
Kim Barnes:
What was the name of that term again that you mentioned?
Patty Monical:
Gray rocking.
Kim Barnes:
Gray rocking, okay. Got it. You just become like a gray rock.
Patty Monical:
Yes, exactly.
Mike Barnes:
That visual image is helpful. Thank you. It’s funny because the way you’re describing things, it kind of reminds me of your days in middle school and high school. You want to be one of the cool people, and you just can’t quite figure out how to do it. It’s kind of like this because you see so many people who have narcissistic trait parents who it doesn’t bother them; it goes in one ear and out the other. Other people are like, “No, it’s driving me crazy,” and you want to figure out how you can be like that guy or that girl. I think it’s hard for a lot of people to figure out how to get over that hump. Does it help if we, besides talking to a counselor, talk to friends or family who it doesn’t bother and figure out how they handle it? See if we can try to emulate that?
Patty Monical:
Absolutely, absolutely. Like you said, Mike, it is like being bullied. A narcissist is a bully. So, since bullying has been a huge topic of education for elementary, middle, and high schoolers, it’s good for adult children of narcissists to draw upon what they learned about how to deal with a bully. Some of those things will work, and some of them won’t. When you’re caring for a narcissistic parent, though, that changes the landscape of the relationship, obviously. When you must be there and they are dependent on you to be there, but they’re still treating you like a bully would treat you, that makes it even more complicated and challenging. So, all the self-care strategies, seeking support, and making use of all the resources you can possibly find are essential.
Kim Barnes:
Absolutely, because it is just so hard to feel like, “I’m doing everything that I can for you, and I don’t want to walk away because it’ll make me feel guilty if I don’t help you, yet you’re not being nice to me, so you’re not making it very easy for me to help you.” I feel like I’m doing things the right way, but I’m not being rewarded. So, it could create some guilt, I think, too.
Patty Monical:
That’s a good segue to what I was going to mention. Radical acceptance of the situation is a really important approach and something a professional mental health counselor can really help with. Leaning on your spiritual beliefs and community, making sense of it through the lens of your own spirituality is really important. Forgiveness, which is important in all the spiritual belief systems that I know of, is not about them; it’s about you letting go of the idea that things could have been any different. Forgiveness is paramount as well, and it’s a process you have to be ready for. There are lots of ways that a professional counselor can help with that process.
Mike Barnes:
It sounds like so much of what you’re dealing with is how you handle it, how it affects you, and what it means to you, no matter what they’re doing.
Patty Monical:
Yes, exactly. It is all about you.
Kim Barnes:
It sure feels like it is about them, though.
Patty Monical:
Yes, it does.
Mike Barnes:
As we said at the beginning, there are so many people who are bothered or affected, however you want to describe it, by this. I think you’ve helped so many people just with this little bit of advice and some tips that you’ve shared. Thank you so, so much.
Patty Monical:
Thank you so much. It’s been my pleasure.
Kim Barnes:
I think what we’ve learned from this is that you’ve got to communicate. You’ve got to talk to people, whether it’s a counselor, friends, or family, and just figure out what’s best for you because we’re all different. So, we’ve got to figure out what’s best for you to handle this situation, and that’s not that easy.
Mike Barnes:
Absolutely. Lean on the community. Lean on the people that you know are going through it, or even the people that you can just bounce ideas off of to find out, “Hey, is this normal? Mom keeps saying this to me. Is that normal? I don’t think so.” Having that support and encouragement to keep going is important. Remember, if there’s any topic you’d like us to discuss, please let us know. Parenting Aging Parents.
*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.