What your parents may be experiencing
Christina Peoples of Gero-what?! is a Gerontologist who chose her profession because of her love for older people. She volunteered at nursing homes and became passionate about educating people about the aging process.
She spoke in Austin at the Inspire Aging event at Shalom Austin.
Kim Barnes of Parenting Aging Parents talks with her about the advice she gives adult children as they deal with their aging parents.
Christina discusses:
✓ the loss the older adult is experiencing
✓ how to have more empathy
✓ modeling behaviors
✓ the importance of letting older adults still have choices even when you don’t agree with decisions they’re making
✓ giving them (and you) permission to let them be who they are
✓ when to step back
✓and when you need to step in because of safety issues.
Read the full transcript
Transcript of Interview: “Advice from a Gerontologist”
Kim Barnes:
Today, I had the privilege of hearing Christina Peoples speak about aging. It’s something we’re all doing every single day, but especially in the context of how we talk and work with our parents as they’re aging. You’re a gerontologist. Let’s talk first a little bit about how we better understand what our parents are going through as they’re aging, whether it’s physically, emotionally, and just the frustration they may be having. We always say that you can’t understand until you walk a mile in somebody else’s shoes. Give us a sense of the things we should consider and think about as our parents are getting older.
Christina Peoples:
One of the number one things we should think about is understanding that this is a person who has lived a life, made choices, faced different challenges, and gone through multiple things. Keeping in mind that when certain changes come up, they may not be able to live the life they once did. Being empathetic and knowing that is a loss, and we should approach it as someone who has lost something significant. When you lose a loved one, you’re empathetic, loving, and caring. It’s the same for our parents or any older adult we might be caring for. Remember that they have lost something they once had for a long time, and the identity they once had may no longer be there. It’s important to be mindful and aware of that.
Kim Barnes:
Because they’re experiencing that emotion, they may be grieving the loss. I imagine they’re also frustrated that they can’t do some of the physical things they used to or that they have a medical issue. We really need to think through that and try to put ourselves in their shoes a little bit.
Christina Peoples:
Yes, we need to take a step back when caring for our parents or loved ones. We need to remember that we’re all humans experiencing difficult situations. When we have those frustrating moments, it’s essential to take a step back and recognize that this is a human being first, experiencing challenges we’re not going through. We might not be able to fully grasp what they’re dealing with, but we can try to be as supportive and understanding as possible.
Kim Barnes:
That can be hard because sometimes it’s difficult to understand why they can’t see it the way we’re telling them they should see it. How do we handle that?
Christina Peoples:
It’s challenging because we can’t always see someone else’s perspective. We can only see ours. We need to approach it differently if we’re constantly saying, “This is how you need to do it,” or “You really need to be thinking about this.” Try another approach, like modeling instead of saying it. Giving a visual can be helpful because hearing the same thing all day can be tiring. Modeling or sharing stories from others with similar experiences can provide insight.
Kim Barnes:
Can you give an example of modeling?
Christina Peoples:
Sure. Let’s think about staying hydrated. My grandmother, who passed away in 2019, had dementia, and it was challenging to get her to drink water. We knew she needed it, but telling her to drink water all day didn’t work. Instead, if I got myself some water and started drinking it in front of her, she would be more likely to take it and drink it. Another example could be talking about legal documents. You might say, “Hey, Mom and Dad, I’ve been working on my legal documents for my children and realized I don’t know if you’ve done it yet.” It’s about involving them in the process and making it a shared activity.
Kim Barnes:
That’s a great example. It makes it less about them and more about a shared responsibility.
Christina Peoples:
Exactly. It’s about putting ourselves in the same situation and saying, “Let’s do this together.” It helps them feel less like they’re being talked at and more like they’re part of a team.
Kim Barnes:
What if they’re making poor decisions? How do we handle that?
Christina Peoples:
We all have the right to make choices, even if they’re not the best ones. In our youth, we made choices that weren’t good. As adults, our parents still have that right. There’s a line when it comes to safety, where we may need to step in. But we must remember that they have the right to make their own choices. If Mom has dementia and wants to pull out all her money to give to a stranger, that’s where we draw the line and take measures to protect her.
Kim Barnes:
Is there a difference between someone with dementia and someone making poor decisions?
Christina Peoples:
Yes. Even with early-stage dementia, people can still make choices. My grandmother, who was in an advanced stage of dementia, still made choices. We offered her choices, like whether to take a shower today or hold off. Most times, she’d choose to hold off, but we’d explain why it might be best to take one. It’s about respecting their autonomy while ensuring their safety.
Kim Barnes:
You mentioned giving ourselves permission to age the way we want. Do we need to give our parents that same permission?
Christina Peoples:
Yes, we need to let our parents be who they are while ensuring they’re safe and cared for. It’s not about saying, “I’m giving you permission to age,” but allowing them to live their lives. It’s challenging, but it also reduces stress and frustration for us. Acceptance and letting go can be difficult but necessary.
Kim Barnes:
How do we know when to step in?
Christina Peoples:
When things start getting out of control, like frequent falls, clutter causing hazards, or not taking medication, it’s time to step in. Safety is the priority. If you see multiple signs that they’re not safe, it’s necessary to intervene, even if it’s difficult.
Kim Barnes:
What if they’re resistant to help?
Christina Peoples:
It’s tough. You may need to take a step back for your mental health. If they refuse help and you can’t intervene legally, you might have to let go and trust that they’ll be okay. It’s about loving them where they are and knowing your limitations.
Kim Barnes:
Any final thoughts for adult children caring for aging parents?
Christina Peoples:
Embrace acceptance, grieving, and moving forward. Remember, you’re not alone. Everyone is dealing with something challenging. Take it one day at a time, and know that it’s okay to grieve the changes. Accept where things are and embrace the journey.
Kim Barnes:
Thank you so much, Christina. You are a wealth of knowledge and a great help to our community. We appreciate you being with us.
Christina Peoples:
Thank you.
Kim Barnes:
We’ll see you next time.
*This transcript is auto-generated. Please excuse any typos or mistakes.